MRS. COLLINS

10. say yes

RACHEL

What is happening to me?

It's so hard to not feel like a horrible person when I was on my lover's bed an hour ago and now I'm on the bed next to my husband. Nick was sleeping when I got here, he must have been really tired or else I know he would have waited until I got home.

What I'm doing has never felt more wrong than it does right now.

I stare up at the ceiling in the dark room. The sound of Nick's breathing is the only comforting thing in this room. My thoughts are betraying me. I can feel guilt beginning to creep up on me though I don't understand why. It's not like my marriage with Nick is real. He's been doing the exact same thing, I'm not guilty of anything. I am starting to feel uncomfortable though. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about my kisses with Nick. I don't know why I couldn't resist him. I hate that he has made me feel this way. I can't see him like a friend anymore, not when I enjoy kissing him. It could be pure attraction. It could be temporary. I want to hate him for kissing me, for turning this on in me, but I can't. If what he was trying to accomplish was to make me like him then he's succeeding.

I don't know what I'm going to do. It feels wrong to not tell Victor about it. At the same time, I don't want to create drama when it's not necessary. Victor knows that Nick and I kiss occasionally. He's seen us kiss...in public. What is there to tell anyway? I don't think Victor wants to hear me tell him that I enjoy kissing another man. At the same time, I wouldn't like it at all if Victor was kissing someone else behind my back.

What do I do?

I still haven't decided by the time I go to sleep and when I wake up the next morning, I decide to ignore my own question. Why do I need to do anything right now anyway? It was just two kisses. They meant nothing. Everything's going to be fine. Nick's going to end up falling into Linda's bed eventually. He is a man after all. And I know that Linda isn't going to give him up that easily.

I go to work the next morning determined to stop this nonsense and get things back to how they were before. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I'm going to start by staying away from Nick. Though it's so hard to stay away from someone when that someone looks for you. Nick comes into my office at around two in the afternoon. It's still early so I know it's not time go home yet which means he's here for something else. I'm sketching on my desk and I'm grateful for the pencil in my hand to keep me busy.

"How is the collection coming?" He asks me as he looks over my shoulder.

"It's coming," I say. "I'm a little behind but don't worry, I'll finish in time."

"I know you will."

I look up at him and he's smiling. Oh God. Here we go again. "Did you need anything else?"

"I don't think I need an excuse to see my wife."

I set the pencil down and stand up. I walk past him and stand by the window, away from the door. I don't want Victor to see us. I suddenly feel nervous. My knees feel weak but I know it's not because I'm scared Victor is going to see us. It's because of him. It's because of Nick. He's wearing a black suit today. The suits always fit him perfectly. He's always looked good on them.

Nick turns around and looks at me. "Why are you running away from me?"

"Nick, you've got to stop this." I want to sound determined but my voice comes out as a beg and I hate it.

"Stop what?" He asks innocently as he stops in front of me.

"You know what you're doing." I accuse.