It's profoundly hard to be both full of emotion and numb at the same time. It becomes increasingly difficult and frustrating trying to explain the switch, from having all the energy in the world to barely being able to get out of bed. I can go from being filled with joy and excitement to being perpetually terrified I'll be alone for the rest of my life. A lot of people get mad at me when I cancel plans or I don't respond to messages for hours on end.
Sometimes I don't even realize that I've zoned out and so much times gone by, I always feel bad when I realize it. I start to doubt that my friendships are genuine and real, that people like my personality and company. Other times I can become overly cocky and self assured that I come off as narcissistic.
I'm both selfish and selfless. I would give up the world for those I care about, but I'd prefer if no one else got close to them because then they may forget me. I realize as I'm writing this all down it's a jumbled mess of my wild thoughts. I don't imagine many of you will understand what I'm saying and a good chunk of you may think I'm insane. I used to think I was insane, that I had one too many screws loose.
I guess apart of the process of healing is accepting all the things we once believed to be true, don't necessarily have to be. Just because my brain says certain things will happen, doesn't mean they will. Just because I start to feel doubts and anxiety over things, doesn't mean my fears will be reality.
There comes a point in time when you have to look really deep into yourself and come to terms with the things you dislike. I dislike that there's times I feel like I'm out of control. That my mind and body are not on the same wave length. I'm coming to terms with all the little aspects of myself that can be both frustrating and yet uniquely intriguing.
Some people find my way with words and expression powerful, beautiful even. I used to think my writings were just a strange language I'd made to cope with the wild thoughts. I'm thankful so many people have been touched with my words but it also saddens me. It saddens me to know there are others who have these conflicting thoughts and emotions, the hardships of riding through the waves. I'm both grateful and saddened by it, there are others out there who feel what I feel. Whom struggle with simple tasks simply because some days are harder than the last.
I pray for all those who understand my words and my wildest rumbled thoughts, find their way through the waves. I pray we can all heal and grow with each other.
