Ripoff

Auditions

The squad was laying around the living room, bored out of their minds. Lately they've had nothing to do. I mean, it was fun hanging out with each other and everything, and they wouldn't change their group even if someone gave them money. But, after doing everything they've wanted to, it was getting kinda, dull. Roy, of all people, had been very quiet for the past week. That's how bored they all are.

"Ya know, normal group of friends would probably find something to do with each other," Palutena said.

"You realize we're not normal, right? We're not even real," Ike said.

"Bruh the fourth wall-"

"It doesn't exist anymore, so who cares," Ike said.

"Fair," Palutena sighed.

"I'm bored," Roy groaned. "There's nothing to do!"

"You could read," Shulk said.

"Ew."

"Sigh."

"We need new people!" Samus said.

"You're just saying that 'cause you want Claude in the squad," Ike said.

"Of course I am! He's so cool and cunning! He's like... Robin... but with more of a personality...," Samus said.

"Excuse me, I have plenty of personality," Robin said.

"He's like Marth, but prettier," Samus said.

Marth shot her a glare and brushed some hair from his forehead with his hand. He took his phone out while the others gathered around him. 

"So we're going for Three Houses people?" Marth asked. 

"Yeah, get the main lords in," Samus said.

"All of them? Wouldn't that be too crowded?" Shulk asked.

"Okay, who shouldn't be here?" Samus asked.

"I don't think this is a good idea in the first place-"

"Hush, albino man."

"But-"

"Huuuuuuush."

"Okayyy." 

"I vote Dimitri out," Peach said. Everyone snapped their heads in her direction. Surprise and disgust was mixed into their faces. They stepped away from her.

"What is wrong with you?" Lucina sneered. "How could you say that about such a sweet baby boy that needs all the love in the world?" 

Peach shrugged, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. "He creeps me out."

"HOW?!" Lucina screamed.

"Breathe Luci," Pit said.

"NO, HOW CAN YOU HATE SUCH A PERFECT CREATURE?!" Lucina said.

"I don't know, the whole 'I murder people when I'm angry' doesn't appeal to me," Peach murmured. "He also looks kinda creepy post-timeskip."

"Bu-you-ho-h-" Lucina began to spasm a little as her brain tried to comprehend what cursed words had just come in her ears. "DIMITRI IS A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING THAT NEEDS ALL THE LOVE AND HUGS!"

"That's you're opinion, not mine," Peach said.

"WELL YOU'RE WRONG-"

"Okay, enough with the screaming, Dimitri's in, alright? We all like him except Peach, so please stop," Marth groaned, rubbing his temples. "I don't want to have a migraine so early in the morning."

"Mama Marth back at it again," Roy said, 

Marth's brow twitched. "Anyway, we only have room for one more person, so who will it be?" 

"Not Edelgard that's for sure," Lucina said.

"But I like Edelgard-" Lucina glared at Peach before she could say anything else. "Nevermind."

"So no Edelgard?" Marth asked. Everyone either shrugged or nodded, so Marth took at as a yes. Children these days are so difficult. Sometimes he wished he could just leave, go to a retirement home and spend the rest of his days knitting in his room. "We already have an avatar staying here, so no Byleth, and the only other option left is Claude so-"

"CLAUDE. YES. INVITE THE TWO OF THEM NOW," Samus said, pressing down his shoulders as she hopped in place. 

"For fuck's sake, I'm already sending the invitations, they should be here in a day or so," Marth groaned. He stood up from the couch and slouched up the stairs. Samus and Lucina held hands and spun around the room while screeching like lunatics. "I'm going to sleep again, don't bother me."

***

Samus and Lucina stuck to the window the rest of the day as they waited for their husbandos- ahem, their new friends to arrive. The sun had nearly set when they noticed to figures walking towards the house, and the screeching began again. They ran to the door and sloppily grabbed the door knob due to their excitement. When they finally managed to get the door open, Dimitri and Claude were already standing there, Dimitri's hand about to knock on the door. The two blinked. 

"Oh, hello, is this Smash Ball house by any chance?" Dimitri asked. 

Lucina felt her knees go weak and she would have fallen had she not had Samus as a support. "Y-yes, this is Smash Ball house! I'm Samus, and this is my friend Lucina. The rest are inside."

"Ya know, it's a little odd to suddenly ask two strangers to come live at your house. What if we're not good people and are actually trying to kill you?" Claude said with a sly smile on him that told them he was only teasing.

"Oh lordy," Samus wheezed and they both fell. 

"Oh no, are you both alright?" Dimitri crouched down and gently took Lucina's hand. She screeched. 

The two girls were swept away and Ike took their place at the door. "Look, I'm saying this to be a good person. If you two really want to live here, prepare yourselves. This house is insane and you might lose part of your sanity."

Dimitri blinked. "Ah, well, I'm sure it's not that bad, right Claude- Claude? What are you doing?"

Claude had climbed down the steps of the house and walked a little further away. He peaked behind his shoulders before fully turning around. "Oh, well I think I might have left something back home, so I was just going to go get it."

Dimitri sighed. "I can't believe you. Are you really leaving because of a warning? Shouldn't you be used to this, after all, the Golden Deer are a bit, uh, unique."

"And so are the Blue Lions, yet you still feel a little awkward, don't you?" Claude smirked. 

"That is true," Dimitri said. "Well, it's always nice to gain new experiences, I thought this would be a nice way to."

"Maybe you're right," Claude said.

Ike looked back and forth between the two of them. "Yeah no, what I mean is that we're crackheads with non-existent crack 'cause no drugs kids. In simpler terms: we're idiots and annoying."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so, you still wanna come in?" 

"Well, we've no other choice," Dimitri sighed.

"This place sounds interesting, I can't wait to learn more of it, right DimDim?" Claude patted his back a little harsher than he probably meant to.

"A-ah, right."