I Remember You

Chapter 33

Lily had left the studio as soon as she had been able and driven to Finn's home. It had only taken her a few moments to pack her things and place the bag by the door. She was going to go home; there was no reason to stay and every reason to leave. However, she wanted to say goodbye to Mike first, and she was no coward so she would say goodbye to Finn as well.

She wandered out onto the balcony, closing the door behind her. She was having a difficult time forgetting the way Finn's arms had felt around her, what it had felt like to be held by him and almost kissed. If an almost kiss had been heart-stopping, she couldn't help but wonder how an actual kiss would feel.

She wrapped her arms around herself as the warm evening breeze played with her hair. She had felt relief at removing the heavy makeup and pins in her hair because it had felt like she was someone else, and perhaps that was the point, but it was something that she hadn't thought she would feel a few months ago. One thing she could say about the entire experience of being on the show and falling in love was that she had embraced her true self, faults and all. Things she had hated about herself five years ago, she now loved.

She had finally grown up and grown into herself.

The door opened behind her, and she didn't have to turn around to know that it was Finn.

"I brought dinner," he said as he closed the door behind him. "Will you at least stay and eat before you leave?"

She nodded without turning around to look at him.

"Can I ask one more thing of you, even though I don't have the right?" He moved to stand beside her, and they both looked out over the water.

Lily nodded, not trusting her voice. The sad thing was that he could ask anything of her and she would agree, even though he had broken her heart.

"Would you stay with Mason and Cassie or Sam and Penny? At least until I know where your mother is and that she is really gone."

Lily nodded once more, disappointed by his request.

"You did well today," he said, reaching a hand out to squeeze her arm.

She couldn't help herself when she stepped back and out of his reach. It was self-preservation.

"Thanks, so did you," she returned, playing the game. "We should go eat." She turned and walked towards the door.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry I can't give you what you want, or be the man you want me to be." He said the words softly, and she thought she had imagined them for a moment until she turned to look at him and saw the same sadness reflected in his eyes.

"The person that you think I want you to be and the person that I want you to be are two very different people, Finn. I only ever wanted you to be yourself. You're the one who thinks that you have to be more than who you are to love me." She took a deep, shaky breath. "The funny thing about all of this was I grew up, I accepted myself for who I am, a plain awkward, klutzy, actress, who will forever love a grumpy, stubborn, one-legged, sailor."

She saw Finn's lips twitch. "You'll get over it," he said softly.

"No, I don't think I will." She waited patiently to see if he was willing to respond to her dramatic statement.

"I wish I was ten years younger, ten years younger, and whole." He crossed his arms and looked out at the waves as they pounded the shore.

"The way the waves hit the shore and steal the sand reminds me of us."

Lily slowly walked towards him and looked out once more over the ocean.

"My heart is the sand, and you're the ocean, you kept washing over me again and again with your effortless kindness and optimism until you stole enough of my heart that you stole all of it."

Lily could feel her heart bouncing around in his chest at his words, was he saying that he loved her?

"A sweet thought until you realize that eventually the sand will need to be renourished and the renourishment will have to be pulled once more from the ocean."

"That's what hearts do Finn, they love and renourish each other, there is a give and take there."

"How can you believe that with what you went through with your parents? You saw what their idea of loving each other did to them. It was the same for my parents until my father left, and then there was nothing but emptiness in my mother's eyes." He took a fortifying breath as if preparing to go into battle. "You can have what you've stolen, you can have my heart, but that's all because when I need more and more I will take and take until there is nothing left for you to give."

Lily pushed herself between him and the railing on the balcony, and she placed her hands on his cheeks. "Don't you know the ocean is limitless?"

He looked down at her, at her lips.

She couldn't let the high ground go; she felt this was it; it was now or never. This battle was one that would win the war. "I don't look at my parents; I look at Lee and Kate. Apart they are weak, but together they are strong, and we could be too."

He closed his eyes, and Lily thought she had won until he stepped back.

"I'm a lucky man to have someone a beautiful as you willing to take a chance like that on me, but because I love you, and I do love you, I will do anything to protect you, even if it means hurting myself to do it."

"But you are hurting me, you are killing a piece of me, by telling me this."

"Better a piece of you than all of you." With those final words, he turned and walked into the house, leaving her alone with nothing but the sound of the waves hitting the shore behind her.

He had said he loved her, words that she had only dreamed of hearing him say, but they didn't count. They didn't count because he wouldn't let her love him.

"Lily," Mike said from the door. "Dinner?"

Lily wiped the tears that she didn't even realize were falling before she turned and smiled at Mike. "Sure! Finn said he brought us something for dinner, and I'm starving," she lied.

Finn didn't join them, and she ate with Mike, telling him gently that she was leaving and why. She assured him that she would see him all the time, but that she had a new job that was going to keep her busy.  Mike seemed to be alright with it all, and when they were almost done, Finn rejoined them.

Lily refused to look at him as she stood up and said he final goodbyes.

They still had one more scene to shoot this season and she was worried about how she would get through it, but she refused to worry about next season until it arrived.

A lot could happen between now and then; she thought, ever the optimist.