As If It's Our Last (JenLisa)

3 장

CHAPTER THREE

TO Jennie,

The woman I love, the love of my life. Yes, you read it right, I am in love with you for years and I never had the guts to tell you that, so now I'm here, probably mustering all the courage I have to give you this letter-which I highly doubt I'd be able to do. Haha!

I came across this quote which I'm going to share to you:

"I choose to love you in silence;
for in silence I find no rejection.
I choose to love you in loneliness;
for in loneliness no one owns you but me.
I choose to hold you in my dreams;
for in my dreams, you have no end."

And that's exactly what I feel, I know if I would ever confess about what I feel about you and the hopes of having an us you'd ask me why I only said it now? The quote above is the exact reason... I'm scared Jennie, I never stopped hoping that maybe we could be more but at the back of my head there are thoughts like: "Would she even understand?", "Will she avoid me?", "Will it change anything, will it change us?" I think if you'd ask anyone who had fallen in love with their bestfriend about their dilemmas, that would be it... The risk; it's like choosing between two things you've dreamt of having yet you can only have one, so you chose the safer choice while still thinking of the "what would've been" if you chose the other one, but the thing is... you were too scared to risk losing both.

I don't know if that makes sense, I guess all I'm saying is why is it so damn hard to just choose who we should love and stop when it hurts too much?

I should be happy for you Jennie, I'm trying, but why can't I just unlove you?

Lisa stopped writing as tears fell from her eyes, she dropped her pen and closed the notebook where she wrote the letter.

It's been months since Jennie told her about the wedding, and as days go by she silently hoped that her feelings for her bestfriend would change, that maybe if she sees her happy in the arms of someone else, she'd finally be able to accept the fact that this is all there is it to it. But she was wrong, as Jennie's wedding day gets nearer, her heart breaks a little more. So she decided to write the letter just to let all those emotions out, but half into the letter she just found herself crying thinking of Jennie walking down the aisle marrying the man of her dreams, Lisa on the other hand knowing that would be the worst day of her life which she thinks is really selfish of her, she wanted to be genuinely happy for her but it was her heart that begs to differ.

'Stop with these things, get your shit together Manoban,' Lisa scolded herself, she still have to fix her stuff to go to the hotel where they would stay until the wedding, which will happen in three days, she has to be there for her, for Jennie.

When she was done, the doorbell rang so she opened the door and saw that it was Rosé and Jisoo, one of her and Jennie's closest friend, they decided to pick her up on their way to the hotel.

"You ready for the bridesmaids luncheon?" Rosé asked while they were inside the car, Lisa nodded. "I wonder what will happen in Jennie's bachelorette party, aren't you excited?!"

She shrugged, not in the mood to talk about anything about the wedding, she saw Rosé nodding and just smiling, Jisoo on the other hand was just asleep on the backseat.

–

It was the bridesmaids luncheon, Lisa sat near Jennie and when the brunette was about to give her speech, she excused herself, telling them that she needed to go to the nearest restroom. Truth is, she just wanted to get away from there, she already know what Jennie would say, she would thank her for everything because for the past months it was her who helped her with the preparations, and in those times she was wondering where her bestfriend's fiancé was, it was like he never showed up and just let Jennie do everything, she knew that the girls are the ones who are more hands-on about things like these, but no matter how busy a person is, he shouldn't be too busy for his own wedding.

Lisa found herself sitting in one of the bench at the pool area outside the hotel, her view is amazing, there was an infinity pool and she could see the sky, the trees and the beautiful ocean from where she is, but she wasn't feeling anything except emptiness.

'How ironic.'

And then her solitude was disrupted by a man's voice.

"What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be in the bridesmaids luncheon?" She turned and saw that it was Jennie's fiancé, Kai.

"I-ah..." Lisa thought for a second. "I was on my way back there when I saw this beautiful view in front of me and I kind of forgot where I was."

"I agree," he said and sat a few meters away from her, respecting her space. "Some people tend to take things for granted that they forget to stop for a while and just appreciate the simple things."

She smiled. 'A guy who appreciates the simple things, no wonder Jennie fell for someone like him.'

Maybe she hasn't seen it or have no idea about it, but there must be something so special about this person that made her bestfriend love him, something she wishes she had seen with her.

"Can I ask you a question?" he said, out of nowhere.

"You already did," she joked and heard his faint laugh.

He cleared his throat. "No, I mean a serious one." She just nodded and waited for him to speak again. "Are you afraid of risks?"

"Huh?" She wanted to laugh at the question, she didn't expect it to be that. "Is this some kind of business question, are you going to invite me to invest into some-"

"No, it's not that. I'm serious, like..." He looked up at the sky, and Lisa tried to look where he was looking but saw nothing. "Would you risk everything on doing something just to have what you want?"

"Oh, I guess it depends."

"What if it's something you've wanted for so long?"

"I-I'm not sure."

"I didn't expect you to be despondent."

"What are you trying to say?"

Kai stood up. "You know what? Someone once told me that I should be brave, that if I think something is worth the risk, I should be ready to risk it all, so this... with Jennie, this is me taking a risk and having the courage to be with who I want," he smiled. "I'm going to say the same to you, I hope you find your courage to be brave, to risk everything for what you really want, be brave even just for once. I know you think I'm in no position to tell you this but it doesn't take a genius to say that something's been bothering you, that is why I approached you, I don't know what it is but maybe what I said could hepl you, have a good day and hope to see you at the wedding," he said and left.

'Have the courage? Would you still tell me that if you know what's inside my head?' Lisa shook her head and finally decided to just go back at the event.