As If It's Our Last (JenLisa)

5 장

CHAPTER FIVE

LISA stares at Jennie while she talks to Jisoo and Rosé. In her mind she sees their future together but not like what she had been dreaming of... this time it's Jennie and Kai and how in a few years they'll have their own kids, she will see them have fun every weekend, see Jennie take the kids to school, see her fulfill her dream of having her own family with someone else.

Lisa looked away, it pains her just thinking of it.

She will always love Jennie, maybe in a few days, months or years - when she finally accepted their fate - it'll be the different kind of love. One day, when she's used to not having her always knocking on her door telling her stories about how her day was - when she's not that desperate for Jennie to love her back - she'll be able to be genuinely happy... for her.

But at that moment, what Lisa wanted is to get out of that room. She knows they're going to ask her to say something to Jennie and she's afraid she wouldn't be able to hold back, so she left, without them noticing.

She went back to her hotel room and took out her pen and notebook that was in her bag and decided to write another letter she would never give to Jennie.

Jennie,

You are getting married tomorrow and how I wish it's me you're marrying. But the gods, they're not as kind as I thought, I used to think that if I pray hard enough for you to be mine they'll hear my prayers and grant me that, but nothing happened, maybe they were wearing earplugs when I was praying, kidding.

Tonight is your bachelorette party and I left even before it started, if you'd ask me why, I know they're going to make me say things I don't even mean, but what I'm more afraid of is I might break down in front of you that I won't be able to speak anymore.

So here it is, here are the things I want to tell you before you become someone else's wife:

Jennie... I'm happy that you found the person you would spend your whole life with, your happiness is what matters the most to me - even if it's not with me.

I ache for you and I am tired of that, tired of always thinking of us - of you, because it made me want you more - I told myself I'd stop, but I'm stupid and stubborn because I still want you, all of you, you with your cat like eyes, you with no makeup on, you with your messy hair, you with your gummy smile, you with your silly dance moves, you with your loud singing voice that you always do to annoy me, you and the foods you always cook for me because you know I'd die before I could cook some decent meal.

It's you. It was always you Jennie, everytime you'd ask me why I never dated, why there was no one else .. it's because you exist, and all I see is you.

I want to love you, to grow old with you, to hold your hand, kiss your lips, make love to you until we both fall asleep, to wake up each day beside you, to watch every sunset and sunrise with you, to do all the silly dance moves with you. I want to be always there for you, and I know how you crave for that too... but not from me.

And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for wanting you that way. I'm sorry that I never said these words to you. I'm sorry if there were days where you occupied my thoughts. I'm sorry that I created a world about us in my head. I'm sorry for never having the courage to ask you if we could be more than what we are now. I'm sorry for loving you in silence. But know that I love you Jennie... I love you that I would do anything for you, even if it costs me my own happiness, at least you are happy - and that is all that matters to me.