Fight for me (Completed)

Chapter 24

Authors Notes:
Another chapter.. Hope you like it.  Soon things are going to get hot.

Pleaser vote and comment.

Amy's POV:

I hurry back from Ethan's bedroom and rush into the guestroom I usually occupy when I am at his penthouse. I shut the door and keen back on it trying to catch my breath.

What the hell am I doing? Is the craziness of the day catching up with me?

Did I really cajole Ethan to be intimate with me?

How did we end up here?

One minute I was panicking over James being in love with me and the next I am considering getting close to Ethan. I don't know why I did it.

The fear I have of being touched is quite inconvenient especially when I am in class. I have freaked out so many times that the fellow students are giving me a wide breadth now. But that was not the reason I panicked when I realized James loved me.

Sex didn't even cross my mind. But when Ethan asked I didn't want to tell him how terrified I was of losing all of their friendship. I gave the first reason that came to my mind. And one thing led to another and now I am here breathless imaging being close to Ethan.

Will it feel like before?

Will I be able to cross the bridge without having a panic attack?

When I have a panic attack will it put him off?

I know Ethan and he is insatiable in bed. Now, will I be able to satisfy him?

I question myself all night long. There are a million questions popping up in my mind and I am not able to find any answers. I wasn't even able to answer why I am doing this. I am seeing Dr Karv but getting over my fear of touch was not my primary concern. We are working mainly on my PTSD and nightmares.

I toss and turn all night and finally fall asleep in the early hours of the next day. When I wake up, the sun is high in the sky. I clean up and go to the kitchen to eat something. I immediately hear Kate's voice. James and Ethan are lecturing Kate for yesterdays disaster at the restaurant.

Kate is first to see me as I enter the dining area and immediately rushes over

"Oh My God Amy!! You are scared. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you"

"I am sorry. I overreacted yesterday."

"No, you did not. You felt ambushed. And anyone would have freaked out. Its Kate's mistake and she should apologize", James scolds Kate and she pouts

"I am sorry okay. I didn't think you will freak out", Kate says. She sounds guilty and I feel like a moron for being such a withdrawn person who can't be fun.

"It's okay. I am sorry too. I spoiled the dinner.", I say giving her a hug. As her hands wrap around me, my heartbeat speeds up and I start sweating. I take a deep breath determined to get my fear under control even though I want to push Kate away and find a corner to crawl to.

Kate pulls away immediately probably feeling my racing heart.

" Amy, can I talk to you for a minute.", James asks guiding me towards the terrace garden.

I look at Ethan before going out of sight. His jaws were clenched and he looked upset but as our eyes met he smiled lightly. I feel a pang of guilt as I walk away with James. Am I betraying Ethan? I ask myself.

James leads me the garden bench.

"I didn't believe in love at first sight but the moment I saw you I fell in love with you", James says looking at the flowers. I stare at James shocked not sure how to react.

"I knew its stupid to fall in love with a person before even saying a single word. But you are so beautiful and I was drawn to you immediately. In the days followed, I only fell more for you every day.". I didn't expect James to be so open. In fact, I was expecting he will deny everything and we will go back to being friends again. I don't know what to do with his confession.

"I can still remember the fear in your eyes that day when I brought you to Ethan's office. My protective instinct kicked in at once and from the day on I have done everything to protect you, Amy.", James says and stays quiet looking out at the beach. I try to say something... anything... but my tongue is tied. After a while, he seems to pull himself together and continues.

"When I couldn't protect you from Sandro, I felt like a total failure. I can never get rid of the memory of you in that bathroom with all the blood. I was terrified that I would never see you again. I made a promise that day when the doctors were trying to save you. If you pulled through, I will do whatever it takes to make you happy.", James says and turns towards me. His eyes piercing into mine trying to say something which I don't understand. He knees in front of me.

" Amy, ... What I want to say is.. ", he says and takes my hand. I immediately snatch it back and cradle it to my chest.

" I am sorry. Its just reflex", I say hurried and extending my hand for him to hold. I didn't see it coming. James knows my fears and has never attempted to touch me.

It happened so suddenly, I am as shocked as he is at my reaction. I remember Ethan's words from yesterday. He said I let him touch me. And it's true. I don't seem to fear Ethan's touches.

"Its fine Amy. This is what I want to tell you. There is no pressure or expectations Amy. What I feel for you is my own and I don't expect you to reciprocate it. I do wish you could give me a chance but its not something I want you to worry about. I want you to be happy and this relationship we have... the friendship and love are not going to change whatever happens. Can you understand what I am trying to say?".

I nod and say,

" I am grateful for everything you and Kate have done for me. You are my family and I want you to be happy as well... But I am not there yet James. I am not ready for dating while I am just finding my ropes. And truly I am not sure I will even get there. So please don't put your life on hold for me. I already feel selfish for putting all of you through my problems. I can't have you waiting for me."

"I am not. I love you, Amy. And I can't get up one day and decide I wouldn't love you anymore. I can just change my feelings. And I am not expecting you to return my feelings as well. I am asking you to find your happiness wherever it is and however long it takes. I am here for you. We are here for you. We will be there for you no matter what. No matter who you choose."

I nod. Even though James's words are reassuring, I know that sometimes we don't realize how much we will be hurt by the actions of other people especially by the people we love.

I have experienced it many times. I would make myself stronger whenever I faced my mom.. my aunt but yet every time it hurt more.

I don't want to hurt James in any way but I feel I will hurt him inevitably. So I decided to fess up.

"Yesterday, I asked Ethan to be my partner in therapy to overcome my fear of touch"

"Okay.  I want you to get better in any way you find is helpful. "

"Its a different from what I do with Kate. This method is a lot more physical... Intimate... ", I say hesitantly.
James mulls over my words. I hope I did the right thing by coming clean with James. I don't want to lie. It will eventually come out someday.

I also want an opinion on the matter.  Yesterday, it felt right but now after hearing James' confession, I am confused. What if my method to get better, hurt others. I am not sure anymore.

" You asked him?"

"Yesterday, I was telling him how I can't date coz of my fears. He pointed out that I don't get anxious when I touch him. I thought it over and realized I have touched him voluntarily and didn't have a panic attack. So I asked him to help me"

"Okay, Amy. As I said anything I want you to be happy and get better. If you thing Ethan can help you then I go for it. But let's not say this to Kate."

"Why not?"

"Kate has this romantic notion and I don't think she will understand."

I nod and we walk back into the living room where Ethan and Kate are busy playing COD.