All I Ever Knew Was Your Name [Nick Robinson]

TWENTY NINE

listen before i go by billie eilish

Seven months.

Seven sad, lonely, heartbreaking months of nothing go by without him. Not a text, not a phone call, not even a single clue of where he could be.

He's dead.

Owen is always with me. He says it's for me, but I know he needs me too. Sometimes, I think he needs me more than I need him. And that's okay. I'll be his company if it makes his coping easier.

He's dead.

I still follow our pact. Only, I don't call him every half hour. I call him twice a day, everyday. Once in the morning, and once at night. I've never gotten more than his voicemail.

He's dead.

I've skipped my first year of college. I didn't know what I wanted, or where I wanted to go. It made no sense to even attempt it, seeing as my mind was already filled to the brim with horrific, evil thoughts of what happened.

He's dead.

He's fucking dead.

The chime of the front door pulls my attention from my dark thoughts as I clean the same table for the fifteenth time tonight. Some may say it's a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I just say it keeps me busy.

It's all about perspective anyways.

I've got a job at Luca's Diner. You know, the place where Nick took me to try milkshakes and French fries. It's the only way I can feel remotely close to him, even if he's not here.

I work the overnight shift so I don't have to face the day. I can't stand the daylight, I'd rather sleep through it. It's a constant reminder of the beautiful days I spent with Nick.

The beautiful summers with the beautiful brown haired boy who quickly became the love of my life. The love of my life that was taken too soon.

Smiling up at the man in his thirties with a briefcase who has just come in from the chilly February night, I head over to the booth he chose to see what he'd like to drink.

"Coffee would be great, thanks," he looks up at me through his thick glasses.

He looks like he's got it together. He's very nicely dressed with a handsome face, he seems clean and well rounded. I bet he's got a wonderful family— a smiling wife and two little girls.

My eyes narrow in on his left hand and wait— there's no wedding ring.

I wonder what he thinks of me.

A broken, sad, waitress with a look of hurt in her eyes. She's been treated well before, but life took that from her. She's got scars that changed her entire outlook on life. She's not who she once was.

I nod. "Be right back with that."

I head over to the coffee warmer, hearing the chomping of strawberry bubblegum in my ear. I smell it too, along with the stale smell of cigarettes.

"Would you do him?" the girl beside me asks, leaning over the coffee maker as she usually does.

Her name tag is a little crooked, her blue hair beginning to fade to a dirty green. Her nose ring shimmers beneath the fluorescent lights, along with her eyebrow piercing. Her eyes look like mine— broken, tired, used. But it suits her well. It's a part of her personality. She embraces it.

"Jesus, Penny," I hiss, pouring the hot liquid into the generic white mug. "I wouldn't do every guy that walks in this place. I'm not like you."

"What about that Matt kid?" the girl so completely opposite of me asks, raising an eyebrow.