All I Ever Knew Was Your Name [Nick Robinson]

THIRTY

i love you by billie eilish

We go to the hospital that night against my mom's wishes not to. Owen drives while I fight with her from the backseat, trying to get her to comprehend what's happening.

For a nurse, she really seems clueless. Clueless, or in denial.

It makes me wonder how long this has gone on. How long, and how long she's been hiding it from me.

Though we know exactly what it is before they even tell us, blood tests are still ran at all hours of the night on her.

It's then, sitting in the chair beside her hospital bed, that I notice just how frail and tired she's become. I always thought she was simply tired, and if she had a good night sleep, she'd be back to normal. It's then when I realize just how wrong I was.

Lung cancer. Stage four.

It takes almost two weeks for the results, but we knew all along. The moment I saw fresh blood on her lips, I knew instantly. It was a tell-all, even if she said it was nothing.

Mom never smoked a day in her life.

April comes.

The frigid weather is coming to an end, but my life stays bitter and cold. My mom is out of work. She physically cannot handle being on her feet for more than upwards of two hours at a time, and that's on a good day. I watch her deteriorate before my eyes, and I just don't know what to do about it.

Nick's nineteenth birthday was at the end of March. I don't treat the day any differently.

I don't cope that way.

A new family moves in next door. Two moms and two little boys. They look like such a happy family with such a wonderful life, I don't dare tell them the horror stories of what happened there.

Instead, I bring them cookies and welcome them to the neighborhood.

"Lesbians, huh?" Penny scoffs, peering out my bedroom window. "In this town? I never thought I'd see 'em."

"They're normal people, Pen," I giggle, straightening down my brown hair that's gotten almost too long to manage. "Vivica taught me how to make that cauliflower pizza crust you like so much."

Penny shrugs, her newly dyed blue hair falling over her shoulder as she kicks her purple painted toes around like a four year old. "I really am a whore for that crust."

I roll my eyes, then continue to run the hot iron down my hair.

We're off of work tonight, so we decide to spend the night in with some pizza and sappy chick flicks. It's Penny's idea, and I'm more than happy with it. She says it will take my mind off of the shit show that is my life. Her words, not mine.

"We've got to cut that hair, Mar," she groans.

I can hear the disgust in her voice; it's always the same when she talks about it. She says I'd look great with baby pink locks, but I tell her it's out of the question.

"Leave it alone," I scowl. "It's just fine."

"Don't you get tired of taming that beast?" she pops her gum between her teeth, and I see her get off my bed from the mirror. She comes up behind me, her chipped black fingernails running through my newly long hair. "It's just so—"

"Choose your words wisely."

"Plain!" she seethes. "What? Does Chris like it long? Does he think it makes you look like a pretty little princess?" she mocks. "Or does he like to pull it when he raws you from behind?"