All I Ever Knew Was Your Name [Nick Robinson]

THIRTY SIX

strangers by the jonas brothers

I can't say I'm shocked to see the boy with the warm brown eyes and soft brown hair and full, beautiful lips coming down the steps to the fire.

I can't even say I'm really nervous, either.

You know when you're just really tired of fighting? Whatever it may be, you know it's not worth the stress and the strain and the hurt? It just physically drains you everyday and you can't take it anymore.

You're just tired.

I'm tired.

He hands me a mug with hot coffee in it before sitting down in the chair next to me where Owen and Penny resided not even a half an hour ago.

Our hands don't touch. We both make sure of it.

My icy cold fingertips are finally warm against the hot ceramic, but not in the way I want them to be. They ache to touch Nick again, but they know they can't. They know it'll never be that way again. And they'll have to find warmth elsewhere. For now, it's just in this cup of coffee.

"Thank you," I say, pushing a half smile as I redirect my gaze to the fire.

My heart rate feels normal. I'm not hyperventilating. I don't even feel like I'm going to cry with him this close to me. I mean, he's less than two feet away. It's a new record for us, and I'm feeling okay.

"I saw you pouring rum in it earlier, so I added some just in case," he says without looking at me.

I smile genuinely.

The hot liquid touches my lips, then my tongue, then trickles down my throat to warm my insides. I feel like I could make one of the moaning sounds I heard from inside at just how good this feels and tastes, but I refrain. I'm sure it's the last thing either one of us wants to hear.

"Couldn't sleep either?" I ask when the topic comes to mind, pressing my lips together.

"With those two?" he shakes his head. "No way. It's just not possible."

I chuckle. "Try living with it."

"Why do you?" he asks. "Live with Penny, I mean?"

Does he not know? Did Owen not tell him?

"She, um—"

It's okay. You can open yourself up, even if it's only a little bit. You'll be okay.

"Penny wanted me to move in with her after my mom died, so—" my voice trails off, getting lost in the whirring nighttime wind with every other word that nervously flees our lips.

By the way his head turns to me and the sympathetic set of eyes, I can tell he has absolutely no idea. It makes me wonder what else Owen hasn't told him.

"Shit," he sighs. "I'm really sorry, I didn't know."

"I figured Owen told you," I shake my head. "Then again knowing him, he probably thought it wasn't his place."

"All he told me was that you've been through a lot since I left," he says.

I can hear the guilt dripping from his lips. He feels so guilty for leaving me, especially knowing now that I needed him.

I really needed him.

"Lung cancer," I say, ignoring his comment. "Less than a year after she was diagnosed, everything just—" it fell apart. Say it. Tell him everything fell apart.

"I don't know. She couldn't be cured," I say instead. "Calvin had to be put down, too."

It's quiet for a moment between us, and I can feel the guilt radiating off of him as he sits beside me. After he left, I nearly lost everything. Not just him. I lost my mom, my house, and just about every little piece of my life had to get left behind.