Kambaqt Ishq

Chapter 15

Arohi sat at her desk staring at the blank screen of her computer infront of her.  Her mind drifting to thoughts of Arjun yet again.  Angrily she pulled herself back from those thoughts.  "You wanted this!' she muttered to herself as she started typing.  A few lines in she stopped and deleted everything she'd written so far.  In the last two weeks, since the confrontation with Arjun at the fundraiser Arohi had barely been able to pull together two sentences.  "D" hadn't caught on yet but the minute she did Arohi knew she would have to feel D's wrath.  She sure wasn't looking forward to that.  Staring blankly out the window her thoughts once again wandered to Arjun.  I wonder what he's doing? she thought to herself.  I wonder if he thinks about me or if he's moved on already...maybe even to his co star Sarai she thought a little bitterly.   Closing her eyes she pushed away the mental picture she had conjured up of Arjun and Sarai together, in eachother's arms.  Why are you torturing yourself Arohi, she thought to herself as she quickly brushed her tears away.  "This is what you wanted." she repeated to herself for the umpteenth time.  No more Arjun showing up at her doorstep at all times of the night.  No more Arjun professing his love for her, no more Arjun with the beautiful dimpled smile and mischievous twinkle in his eye, no more sweet kisses and strong arms wrapped around her to make her feel protected.  Oh god she missed him so much she thought to herself miserably.  But she couldn't give in to these feelings.  She couldn't give in to the overwhelming love she felt for him.  She couldn't give in to her desire to go to him and tell him she was so in love with him she couldn't see straight.  He would be happy but eventually he would break her heart.   Not even meaning too, but he would.  Seeing all of her considerable faults.  If her own family didn't want anything to do with her, if her own mother, the woman that gave birth to her didn't fight for her, then who was Arjun.  He wasn't even blood, he had no obligation to her.  Lately Arohi had been thinking more and more about the fact that her family couldn't all be wrong.  Even as a child growing up she had noticed her father had behaved differently towards her then her younger sister.  He didn't have much use for females in general by still she had seen him shown some fondness towards Suman.  But towards her his behavior was almost hostile at times.    She'd never seen that hostility shown towards her younger brother or sister.  But for some reason she couldn't do anything right, no matter how hard she tried.  Father's didn't dislike their own daughters for no reason.  She must have done something.  She must have lacked some how.  And for him not to care what happened to her when she ran away from home, for him to still not care what happened to her even after so long.  It was her own fault she thought sadly to herself.  She had brought so much shame to her family.  He had every right to disown her.  But a part of her knew that if her younger sister or brother had done something like this, they might not have been treated the same way.  

Shaking her head at her wayward thoughts she focused back on Arjun's word's that had been ringing in her head for the last two weeks..."I guess the heart breaker is going to get his heart broken." he had said.  Feeling tears well up in her eyes she tried unsuccessfully to push away those words.  She didn't want to break his heart, she just wanted to protect her own.  She was just so afraid.  So afraid of loving him, of giving all of herself to him...and then him leaving her. 
 
This is what the last two weeks had been like for her.  She'd find herself thinking about Arjun, and inevitably her family would enter her mind.  Maybe because they were all people she loved and lost.  And with Arjun she had just been too scared to love.  Even after all these years she almost didn't feel worthy of being loved.  This insecurity would always be there in her and Arjun's relationship because what she felt for him was for sure stronger then what he felt for her.  And there lay the problem, she loved him too much.  She'd worry that she could lose him, she'd always be wondering about his relationships with other women, she would be waiting for him to  basically cheat on her.  She'd already analyzed it all in her head.  In the end she'd hate him for breaking her heart and he'd hate her for driving him to it.  It was a jumbled mess and would make no sense to a normal person but in her head it made perfect sense.  She had it all figured out.  She needed to protect her heart...that was all there was too it.
 
"AROHI!" Diane yelled trying to get Arohi's attention.  "Huh?" Arohi said turning towards D.  "I have been asking you a question!" she yelled.  "Sorry, I was just thinking about my next article." Arohi mumbled.   "I hope that's Arjun Singhania's article you're talking about!" she snapped.  "It's going to press in 5 days...are you finished?"  Diane asked.  "Almost" Arohi said softly not meeting D's' eyes.  In reality it was unfinished because she hadn't had the nerve to contact Arjun about finishing it.  She'd been hoping that he would have told D he wasn't interested anymore... but no such luck.  Even though she didn't want to she would have to meet with Arjun again.   "I'll have it done in time" she replied.  D gave her a look and walked away.  Sighing Arohi went back to writing and then deleting everything she'd written.  What a productive day she thought later on as she packed up.  "What are you doing tonight?" Anjali asked coming and leaning on Arohi's desk.  Sulking, Arohi thought to herself.  Instead she pasted a smile on her face.  "Nothing much."  "Probably just work on my article."  "Have you come to your senses and decided to call Arjun yet?' Anjali asked.    Arohi gave her a glare and started to walk away.  "You're ruining your life!" Anjali said as she fell in step with Arohi.  "But fine I'll be quiet."  "Is that even possible?" Arohi asked smiling.  Anjali ignore her.  "Come over to Sunny's tonight."  "He's invited a few friends over and we're going to BBQ, and just hang out."  "Um, I don't think so..." Arohi began.  "NO!"  "I never get to see you, you're my best friend but lately you never want to spend any time with me."  "I need for you to come!" Anjali said adamantly.  Arohi stared at Anjali and slowly guilt took over.  She was right she had been keeping to herself lately.  Alternating between feeling sorry for herself, crying and missing Arjun.  She was becoming pretty pathetic.  If not for herself she would go out for Anjali. Okay I'll be there" she had said with a forced smile.