PILLS~All Boys Foster Home Story

~ Goodbye ~

This is a warning ⚠ This chapter will include subjects others may find sensitive or triggering so, self-harm and suicide. I don't want people to do anything to themselves because of this chapter and other chapters in my story which includes these subjects.

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I could kill myself, couldn't I?
Just overdose on pills and I could be dead within a few minutes. Is it a good idea though?
Of course, it is. No one cares about me so why the hell would it not be a good idea?

Is there actually any reason why I'm alive?
I still have those pills I was gifted years ago, I could easily take all of those pills and I'd be sure to die within minutes.

I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't hear Ash calling "Tea!" until Adam came into my room looking confused.

"Taylor? Taylor!" Adam shouted in my face.

"Oh, sorry. I was thinking." I quickly speak.

"About what?" Adam asks curiously.

"Oh..um..nothing." I stutter.

"If you need to talk I'm always here. Come on Ash has cooked some traditional bangers and mash!" Adam grins.

"I've never understood why its called bangers and mash." I change the subject walking out of my room quickly, Adam following behind after closing my door.

I sit down next to Chester and Luke seeming it was the only spare chair and everyone starts to dig in. I take a sip of Pepsi max and decide that I should at least eat something. I pick my fork up and I can see a few shocked faces around the table as I start to eat a bit of the mashed potato.

Ash could clearly see I was starting to get mad at the people staring so he decides he'll save me from exploding "Could you all stop staring at Taylor? The only people who decided not to stare is Luke, Alex, Adam and myself. Yes, he's eating, you are all acting as if its the first time you've ever seen someone eat food!"

Everyone finally goes back to their own food. After eating one sausage and half of the mashed potato I was starting to feel sick so I put my fork down and decide to just find my drink and wait for everyone to finish. Soon enough we were all sat in the lounge watching 'Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone' because Ash let me choose a film to watch. Once the film had ended most people headed to the attic or the games cupboard, I decided this was a good time for me to escape upstairs.

I got in my room and pulled my diary out from under my bed deciding to write how I feel before I make a big step to killing myself.

Dear Diary, 25/09/19

I've only really had one full day at this school and it was today. Today Logan decided he would get his revenge on me by making my whole face basically black and blue. At tea today everyone except Luke, Alex, Ash and Adam was staring at me as I ate. It's making me self conscious.

Life altogether is shit. Let's be honest I've been in Foster care for a year and no one from my family has visited me even though they said they would. I wish I could see at least one person from my family so then I don't feel completely alone. I feel lost and no one is there to help me. Times like this I wish I could hide under my duvet and never talk to anyone again. Times like this I wish I could just disappear as if I had never actually existed and was just in everyone's imagination. But that's impossible. So I'm stuck on earth feeling like a waste of space.

I want to kill myself but I don't know if that's a good idea. I'd like to believe from going to church when I was younger is that all things happen for a reason and it will all become clear soon and everything will get better. It's hard to listen to a voice in my head that sounds so much like my dads giving me what I think is useful advice.