One Hundred Shades of Forever.

Chapter One.

Chapter One:

            Some say that when a marriage ends that it’s a mutual agreement. Usually the couples have both agreed and have settled on the fact that their feelings weren't the same anymore from when they first met. The butterflies weren’t there anymore, the undeniable love didn’t radiate from each other’s eyes anymore, and their heart didn’t flutter at the mention of their name anymore. That crazy teenager falling in love feeling had gone vacant and made the decision to separate that much more convenient.

            Unfortunately for me, that wasn’t the case at all.

            The black line on the white sheet of paper on this desk in front of me haunted every fear that I’ve had for so long. Five months have gone by too quickly and even though I’ve told myself one thousand times that it’s the right thing to do, whenever my damn hand holding the pen went to take it to the paper it stopped. I was shaking more than I ever have in my entire life and this huge lump in my throat remained there and no matter what I did, it wouldn’t go away. I just felt like I was frozen in place and all I could do was stare at the line and really think about what I was doing.

            Memories from our relationship pounded into my head all at once it was like I couldn’t keep up with them. Our first date to the rocks, him spinning me around on top of the roof in New York City, the day he proposed, the day I told him I was pregnant, the day we got married, floated throughout my brain. But the sad thing was that the bad times also were there. The day he left me in the hospital when Isabelle passed away, the night he hit me when he was drunk, and the night I found out he cheated. The last thought made my stomach churn in such a gut-wrenching way that I brought my hand down with the pen to sign but then I stopped myself again.

            God dammit, why can’t I do it?

            The way my skin felt after he kissed me, the way his touch felt everlasting. The way he whispered sentences that formed together almost like poetry right against my earlobe as I fell asleep right against his chest, the familiar puttering of his heart echoing into my head just as I’d always loved it to.

            “You don’t have to do this you know.” Lenora Davinici, my attorney, sat patiently beside me as we both focused on the paper that was in front of me. Sure, I don’t have to do this, but if I didn’t I’d never forgive myself. I can’t let myself be treated this way and after a silent five months from not hearing from him he seemed to be just as fine with this decision as well. This is probably what he wanted all along anyways.

            It was then I remembered the day I found out he had cheated on me. Just after the nightmare with Jace happened and when I was at my lowest that I found out about the secret he’d been hiding for so long. I’d never felt so betrayed and I’d never felt so infuriated either. That night was one that I would do anything to forget but I would never be able to forget it and move on if I didn’t sign. Why was I debating on signing when it was more than obvious we were no longer together? The only way of moving on is to sign it.

            Bringing my hand down quickly to the paper, my shaking hand scribbled across the line and once I set the pen down a breath that I’ve been holding in for far too long now seemed to come out all at once, the tears slowly falling onto my cheeks. When I had woken up earlier this morning I never thought it would be this hard.

            The silent ticking of the clock just above my head was the only thing I could hear as Lenora took a couple of moments before gently taking the paper back and giving me a sympathetic look. I hated that look. I hated feeling like people were sorry for me but in this moment I just felt sorry for myself. I told myself that if he ever cheated on me we could work through it and that maybe somehow we could save our relationship but when I heard his hands and lips had been on another woman that just ended things for us. I could no longer feel his touch without thinking of his hands being on someone else. I could no longer hear his beautiful words I once admired without knowing if he’d whispered them to someone else as well. It left me emotionless and destroyed and despite his countless efforts, he’d finally given up after five months to try and change my mind and we kind of went our separate ways. It’s been a year now and you’d think it would get slightly easier every day, which it kind of did, but every morning I still thought of him and every night he was the one I thought of. I’m not sure when that will change or if it ever will.