In the End {1}

ii: The Hard Truth

A/N: Hello hello! I know it's early for another update, but I don't like waiting a week. I have about half of the book written already, and it'll take forever if I only post once a week. Going forward, I'm going to post every Friday and one other day that's not Friday. It'll be a surprise lol

Happy reading!

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Ahsoka woke up the next morning with the biggest headache she'd had since leaving the Order. It took her a moment to get her bearings, and when she remembered that she was in Nyx's apartment instead of her own, she wasn't sure what to think. She never spent the night anywhere other than her place or Lux's apartment since she'd been on her own.

She rolled over and glanced across the room, noticing her pile of clothes across the room. She groaned and got up to put them back on before following the smell of caf to the kitchen.

"Morning," Nyx said, holding a mug of what Ahsoka assumed to be caf. "You want some?"

"Yeah, please." He handed her a second mug on the counter. She took a sip and let the taste linger in her mouth. It was more bitter than she was used to. Lux always knew how much sugar she wanted.

"I thought you'd want some. Long night, huh?" She nodded. "You remember any of it?"

"Some. Everything's fuzzy, though. Guess next time I need one more drink to actually forget all my problems."

He shrugged. "That's up to you." He paused, taking another long, drawn out sip. "Where you off to next?"

It was her turn to shrug. "Home, I guess. I don't work until later."

"Then stay here. Work can wait until we're done." He put down his caf and took a step towards her. The force was still very much alive in her, so it was easy for her to read him. She knew where his mind was, and quite frankly, that made her uncomfortable.

Before her mind had time to process, Ahsoka raised her arms slightly and backed away. It was a reflex she'd developed recently, and it went against all the confidence she'd built as a Jedi. Nevertheless, it was appropriate in this context. "Whoa, okay. I'm not there yet. I met you last night right after I broke up with my best friend and I needed someone to be with that wasn't him." To be honest with herself, sleeping with someone else felt like she had betrayed a part of herself. "I can't do this anymore."

He nodded. "Well let me know when you're over him because this definitely isn't the last I'd like to see of you."

She hesitated. "I should head home. I have some things to do."

"Of course." He paused, contemplating what to say next. "It seems silly now, but never caught your name."

"Ashla."

She had changed so much since she left the Order that it made sense to change her name as well. Plus, it saved her from having to deal with people recognizing her name from the wanted posters the authorities put up while she was on the run.

"Nice to meet you, Ashla. I hope to see you soon."

She nodded politely. "I think you will, Nyx." She smiled and left his apartment.

When Ahsoka returned home, she flopped down on her bed and checked the messages on her comm. Even though she told him not to contact her, she didn't have to look hard to find one from Lux.

His eyes were red, and he looked tired. It was safe for her to assume that he'd lost some sleep crying over the breakup.

"Hey, Ahsoka, it's me. I know you said not to reach out, but I wanted to anyway just in case you changed your mind. That's probably not likely, though, because I know you well. I guess I just called to say that I really hope you reconsider. Even if we're just friends, I want you in my life. I need you in my life, Ahsoka. I love you so much, and I want to figure this out. Whatever I did, I want to make it right. Please tell me this isn't the end."

She stared out the very small and dirty window at the street below.

It's for the best. He's just a reminder of everything I lost. She wanted to convince herself that he should be part of her life forever because she loved him, but whenever she saw herself in glimpses of the future, he wasn't there. It was just her, alone, as she suspected it would always be.

She decided to send a reply, just to close the door officially.

"Hey. Thanks for your message. I feel badly about the way things ended, but that doesn't mean I take it back. You didn't do anything wrong. I hate to sound like those sappy holos we used to watch together, but this is for me." She felt a wave of sadness wash over her. She would definitely miss their late night holonet movie dates. "Whenever I look at you, I see the past that I'm trying so hard to run from." She felt tears coming in spite of her hardened resolve. "I'll miss you. I haven't ever met anyone like you, and I wish you all the success in the galaxy. Goodbye, Lux."

She turned off the comm and put it back on the table beside her bed. There was no way Lux would ever willingly let Ahsoka live in such a cramped, smelly apartment, but it was all she could afford with her hourly wages as a mechanic. 

As she sat on her bed and stared at the ceiling above her, she couldn't help but think about the words Barriss used in her confession to bombing the temple.

The Jedi are the ones responsible for this war. That we've so lost our way that we've become villains in this conflict, and that we are the ones that should be put on trial! All of us! And my attack on the temple was an attack on what the Jedi have become: an army fighting for the dark side, fallen from the light we once held so dearly. This Republic is failing! It's only a matter of time...

Although her words rang true, it still stung. Now that she had taken a step back, Ahsoka could see that Barriss had a point. The Jedi were peacekeepers, not soldiers. But all she'd ever been since she was a Padawan was a soldier. It was backwards in almost every single way, and she had been to blind to see it from the front lines of whatever campaign she was leading. Something will snap, and the galaxy will crumble to the ground.

Ahsoka wanted no part of that. No, she was going to work as hard as she could to help others build a life for themselves before the Republic collapsed.

She had her chance to make a difference as a Jedi, and she failed. She couldn't fail again.