Just a dream

Chapter 15

I can do it

A week later. The evening.

It took a while for me to dry the tears away. After much thinking about what was right to do, I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to say something. In any case, not saying something might end up worse than otherwise.

Once I had knocked on the door, I didn't bother to wait. I knew from the deathly still silence exactly what I would see. And I saw Jack, sitting on his bed, staring straight at the wall, doing nothing. He kept the same position as I came in, not moving one inch. You could have mistaken him for a statue.

However, his stillness was positive. If he wanted me gone, he would have gotten up by now, and I would be out of the room. I put my hands behind my back in fear of beginning to fumble. I wanted to look stronger than I felt. Because if I looked how I felt, I would appear a pathetic idiot who doesn't know where she's coming from.

"Jack." He still didn't move. "I, I wanted to say thank ... for helping me." I could hear the weakness in my voice, and I wanted to slap myself.

"What are you thanking me for? Eddie was the one who helped you up." He kept staring right on ahead.

I sighed. "I already said thanks to Eddie. I know he deserved thanks. But I also know, no matter what his views were, he wouldn't have done that without persuasion from you." He didn't move. "So I want to thank you for that, Jack."

Finally, he turned his head. But it was so slowly, and so robotic that I wondered if his mind was really all fixed on what he was doing. I knew it was when he looked at me, his eyes hitting my own with a force that made me inhale. When he blinked, it was like someone took their finger off the laser trigger, pausing the intense heat and direct aim for a split second, before it came right back. He could say anything in his eyes. And right now, he was telling me that what I was saying was clearly wrong, but he had something to say in response.

He got up, walking to stand right next to me. He stood just above eye level, so I had to look up a little to look him in the eye. Jack seemed it necessary to look me up and down before talking. He always did that when he wanted to seem intimidating. I didn't understand why he would feel he needed to. "I did what I thought was right, and I don't need thanks for it." I was about to complain, but his look told me to keep quiet. "I told you that you couldn't possibly understand what it used to be like for me. It turned out you did. And then it happened to you again. So I helped you. Nothing more to it."

He waited for me to reply. "Why are you talking like that?"

He seemed taken aback. The smallest of smiles appeared on my face. I had made him startled. I wondered how many people had done that recently. "Talking like what?" He stone cold confidence had left, and he had tilted his head to one side, looking curious.

"Like that. Most of the kids only talk like that in class to please the teachers. You used to do that. Now I only ever hear you talking like that. Do you use that with the other kids? Or do you still use that ... dormitory voice?"

"I don't talk to the other kids anymore. Apart from Eddie, and Jana. Sometimes. And yes, I still use that 'dormitory voice' in front of them."

"Why is it different for me, then?"

He didn't seem to know how to answer. When Jack didn't know how to answer, he walked away. But, even when he did pace quickly down the stairs, through the dormitory, and out of the door, I knew the conversation wasn't over. So I followed him out, letting him keep a distance in front of me. I didn't know where we were going, or what he wanted to say, but I trusted him, so I simply followed.

He led me out to the small garden that served as the only outside area the GMD kids were allowed to use. The fields beyond the building that led to the GMS were forbidden. It was when he stopped, staring down at his palms that I knew this was something important.