Shards of Sanity (Book 6, Forgotten Series)

Chapter Twenty-Two

A week later

I wasn't sure how much our relationship had shifted with my outburst. Lilith never really remembered much of anything and it didn't seem like anything had changed on her end but things didn't feel right. Perhaps it was just my own guilt that had shifted everything askew. Lilith deserved someone better than me, I didn't know how could I be what she needed. The thoughts were heavy in my chest and I didn't know how to deal with them. She deserved someone who was willing to give their all for her, from now till the end but I knew it couldn't be me. Yet she was stuck with me, she had no one else but me and that weighed on me heavily.

I didn't want to lie to her though. I didn't want to tell her I would walk across the veil with her when I knew I would more than likely seek out Catherine and Bethany instead. I didn't want to give Lilith a false sense of security about it. I said what I did because it was the truth and I hated myself for it but it was still there all the same. A huge part of me was still with Catherine and Bethany. Their deaths didn't remove my love for them or remove them from my lives. They lived within me and they always would. I just didn't want to hurt Lilith with it.

It was hard, I felt like I was riding a razor's edge with it. I was balancing Lilith and my girls as I stood on a thin rope above an abyss. I was given to Lilith to help her heal, to rediscover herself, and I would do that as best as I could. I wouldn't neglect her as long as I lived but I wouldn't lie to her about what would happen after death. I wanted to be the male she needed but I knew I couldn't be. It was hard being so self-critical, seeing yourself as a horrid individual that would choose what was lost over what had been given. I shouldn't have felt guilty over wishing to walk across with my girls, yet I was. I didn't know how to balance it all.

I rubbed at my face as I glanced at May's door. I had wanted to talk to her about it, to see what her professional opinion was but I had simply been staring at her door for the past five minutes. Perhaps I was just being cowardly, unable or unwilling to go down that self-reflection route just yet. Perhaps I wanted to stew in all that negativity for a bit longer. I didn't know how else to explain the fact I couldn't bring myself to knock on her door.

"Micheal, there you are!" At Ainsley's rather worried voice I turned my head, seeking out the red-haired female. Her curls were all over the place and she shoved them back away from her face with a huff. "Gamgam and I got busy in the kitchen and Lilith wandered off. I'll start looking for her but I wanted to let you know." She looked concerned as she shifted her feet with nervous energy that always seemed to radiate out of her.

I gave a small and slow exhale before nodding. "Thanks, Ainsley. Don't worry, we will find her." I gave her a small smile before I turned and headed for the front door. She had been doing so well, staying close to the house and not wandering off too far. I supposed that the new trend she had was bound to stop at some point. I wasn't upset about it, just resigned to the fact that it was bound to happen sooner or later. I half wondered if the resignation was a by-product of my current mental state.

A part of me kind of wished that the memorial had never been made and I wouldn't have to deal with all the problems it had unleashed within me. I could have lived in blessed ignorance without going through the emotional upheaval that I was now in the midst of. However I needed to push everything away and focus on finding Lilith. I headed for the front door, wondering if I would find her out in the memorial spot. She hadn't returned there since the incident, not that I blamed her for that.

"Micheal, Lilith is in the office." Luka was walking down the stairs as he said it and I stopped, staring at him before his words sunk in. There was a bit of relief at the statement and I nodded. "I left her with Ezekiel because Shey and I are taking Heidi out for training." Luka met me at the bottom of the stairs before clapping me on the shoulder with a small smile.