Christmas Lost & Found

December 13th

Michelle

Many times over the last two weeks, Michelle wanted to reverse their plan to go away for Christmas. It was too late, because they had put their plans in motion. Lana was turning on the heat early Monday morning, so it would be warm when they arrived. Looking at the forecast, Michelle added 'shovel' to the growing list of things to pack. She also sent Lana a quick text about finding someone to plow the driveway in case of snow.

Looking around the house, she wouldn't even know it was December. Other than the pile of Christmas cards they'd received, there were no decorations. Michelle sighed. Her excitement for Christmas had been waning for years. With only their immediate family, the day had lost something. Occasionally, their close friends, Kim and Scott came over after dinner. Their kids were the same age, and they had met when Lily went to their Sydney's birthday party in kindergarten. Where had the years gone? On Christmas night, they would play games and gorge on cookies. The cookies Michelle spent hours baking, but also from the annual cookie swap she hosted for her friends in the neighborhood.

Time had taken her tradition as her friends started downsizing and moving away. Even before, she had become discouraged because after spending days getting ready, her guests would leave earlier and earlier each year. Finally, after everyone left by nine o'clock and no one touched the wine, she threw in the towel. She had a stressful job to get to in the morning, too.

Christmas started to change when Lily stopped believing. Thankfully, she was older than most kids. It was subtle at first, because she still got excited for presents no matter who bought them. Once both children were teenagers, they prefered to sleep in. For years, Christmas amounted to church together on Christmas Eve night with presents following, a roast beef dinner on Christmas day, cookie baking, and not much more. For kids in their twenties, the presents part was anticlimactic. They either wanted one large gift or money. Robbie asked if they could just contribute to the new car he hoped to buy.

Michelle still shopping for all the great nieces and nephews. Maybe some day she'd be a grandmother and things would feel different. At least Lily was excited to see them in Maine. She missed her baby girl. They used to be so close, and would curl up together to watch girly movies. Lily would talk to her about her friends and the boys she liked. She still kept her informed about her life, but it was by phone. Michelle longed for the opportunity to give her daughter a hug. Lord knows, she needed a hug herself.

Rob had been working nonstop, so he could take the last two weeks of the month off. She was lonelier than usual. Her insecurities bubbled up again, as she thought of him spending hours with Jasmine, his skinny young blonde assistant. Just her name was enough for Michelle's green eyes to turn into a monster. For a nanosecond the night Rob suggested the cottage, she sensed something different with him. It was a look she hadn't seen in a while - the 'how soon before the kids are asleep' look. The next day, his stressed professional look was back. They had been so busy they skipped Saturday night and then last week was her period. Rob must have known, or he wasn't interested, because he didn't even try. What did it say about her when her husband was not physically attracted to her?

Her secret fear about the cottage was they would have nothing to say to each other for two weeks. They had become practically strangers living under the same roof, but at home they had more rooms. Deep down, she feared it would be the end, Rob would decide once and for all he made the wrong choice. He would want a woman who wasn't so damn boring and was thin and sexy, not with a stretched out body. As much as she loved to watch first kisses and falling in love over and over, deep down she didn't ever really want it for herself. She wanted Rob, but she couldn't figure out how to get him to want her.

Sighing, she needed to check off another item on her list of things to pack. She had the whole evening, since Rob would 'work' until nine or ten like most nights all month. She ventured into the storage area in the basement to pack up some decorations to take to the cottage. She had bins and bins full of them. Weeding through them was another chore, she should tackle, but she hated to let go of memories. She had an empty tub and started to open boxes of ornaments. She had given each child one every year plus the ones they had accumulated as gifts. Rob used to give her ornaments to coincide with their life's events. She had one of a Kitchen Aid Mixer when baking had been her hobby, and a lighthouse for Maine, and our first Christmas. A lifetime ago.

Sighing, it was time to separate the kids' ornaments. Robbie would be ready for his own soon, if not already. Did he mention if he had a tree in his apartment? She went to work, but found it difficult to keep the tears away. Each ornament held a memory. Robbie playing Little League and Lily soccer. There was the Little Mermaid, Lily's favorite princess, and Star Wars. There were Starbucks cups for Rob, because he loved coffee. His favorite was the coffee at The Landing. Smiling, she found the one she was looking for and put it in the box to take. Lily had written the words The Landing on a generic coffee cup ornament. Rob loved it. He could drink Rick's coffee, maybe not on Christmas. She didn't know if he closed for the holiday..

Who knew boxes tucked away in the basement could tell the story of a family? As the evening went on, she became more and more emotional. She remembered Rob had loved her and he told her he still did, but she doubted him. She would have to put her heart out there and show him she still loved him. It would be up to him to love her back, if not next Christmas might be even lonelier.

She was so wrapped up in thought she never heard him approach her. She jumped when he spoke.

"Chellie. I thought you disappeared. I expected you to be asleep."

She was asleep most nights when he arrived home. He stared at her and she quickly wiped the tears out of her eyes. She knew he was weary of her emotional wreck crying all the time.

"What are you doing?"

"Going through and choosing what we need for the tree. Should we bring a few outside lights to let the neighbors know we're there?"

Rob had put some lights on the bushes in front, but not the amount he used to do when the kids were small. He paused probably contemplating if he wanted to bother stringing more lights.

"Sure and we'll need some for the tree. The room isn't big like here, so a small tree will do."

They used to get large trees, because their family room had a vaulted ceiling. She loved their home at least when it was full of laughter and love. She saw the stockings and wondered if she should bring them. They had a fireplace in the cottage, but truthfully there were years when she didn't bother to hang them. She had waited for one of the kids to say something and neither did. They were too old for all the little toys that filled a stocking and neither would be with them on Christmas morning. Maybe she should bring hers and Rob's as a decoration.

She had only nodded at his suggestion for a small tree, but he was scrutinizing her again. When he spoke he shocked her.

"You know maybe you should quit that job of yours."

Didn't he understand how hard she worked to get her credentials and how important her work was? She went from feeling melancholy to mad in two seconds.

"What! Why would you say that? I do very important work. Sure, I get paid next to nothing for it, not like your huge salary. Still you're the one working til all hours. I'm home every night at a decent time, keeping the house together while you're doing who knows what with tight little Jasmine!"

"I am not doing anything with Jasmine. She leaves at five every day and besides even if I was looking, which I am not, she is not my type. I told you what my type was twenty-five fucking years ago and you never believe me. As for your job, it's going to kill you. You carry the misery with you. You're always crying and have a pained expression. Lord, Chell, you care too damn much and it will kill you."

"Maybe I do care... at least one of us does. You don't even know me. I wasn't even thinking of work tonight. I've been knee deep in the ghosts of Christmas past going through boxes and boxes of ornaments. If I was crying for anything it wasn't my job, it was for our pathetic marriage!"

Oh no! Did she really say that out loud? She couldn't look at him and quickly jumped up and ran past him up the stairs. She retreated to their bedroom and dressed for bed. She really didn't know if he would follow her or not.

He didn't come up right away. When he did, she pretended to be asleep. He must have known she was faking because he leaned over and kissed her check. His breath smelled of alcohol, probably whiskey or brandy.

"I'm sorry Chell. I love you and I want to make you happy. I need to make you happy."

Tears leaked out of her closed lids. She wanted to turn to him and let him hold her, but she didn't. She just pretended to be asleep.