Maybe this time [Completed]

Chapter 29

PAUL

"We have to talk."

I was having dinner with Luisa at my hotel in Hong Kong, tired after spending the day covering the protests around the city. But we always made it a point to always meet up whenever we were in the same city, regardless how exhausted we were.

I looked up as she spoke, sensing for the first time that something was different about her today.

"What about? You know you can always talk to me about anything, Luisa."

"Not about this, Paul. We've always avoided this discussion because I knew it wasn't something you wanted. And I tried to wait, but it's been four years..."

"What is it?" I asked her, genuinely lost and starting to get worried.

"Have you ever thought, even once, about where this relationship is headed?"

Oh. I wasn't prepared for this talk, and I scrambled to find the right words in my head. Apparently, I wasn't fast enough and she continued talking.

"We're getting old, Paul. Do you realize that? I'm turning 35 this year, you'll be 40 in a couple of years. We should be talking about starting a family by now, don't you think?"

I was blindsided by the turn in the conversation. I never realized that this was what she wanted.

"Is that what you want? A family?"

"Don't you?"

"No... I thought you felt the same way too. Didn't we talk about this early on?"

"That was four years ago, Paul. Feelings change," she replied in a sad voice.

"Mine didn't... I'm sorry Luisa, but I thought all this time that we both didn't want to have kids. I mean, how can we even think about that, with the kind of lifestyle we have?"

"We can change our lifestyle, Paul. It's just a job. We can both request for a desk job if we wanted to."

"Luisa..." I hesitated, not knowing how to explain how I felt.

When I took on this job, I already knew a family was out of the question.

Even if Eric didn't tell me, it was obviously impossible to bring up a child normally with the way we lived. Either I would be an absentee father, or I'd drag both mother and child with me across the globe.

Neither option was appealing to me. I thought Luisa felt that way, too. I realize now that I was wrong.

"Luisa," I tried again, hoping to convince her to see the reality of our situation. "We have a good thing going on, why should we change it and risk ruining what we have? We've been happy these past four years, weren't we?"

"We were, Paul. My doing this doesn't mean I was unhappy before."

"So what's the problem? I don't get it."

"The problem is, I want a family. I want kids, I want to live in one house with a white picket fence - the whole shebang. And I'm getting scared that that isn't what you want."

Her voice had gotten smaller and I hated myself for causing her pain, even unknowingly.

"Paul, I need you to think really carefully about what it is that you want. Are you ready to spend the rest of your life like this, always on the move, with no roots and leaving no trace behind you?"

I stared at her, forcing myself to imagine my life as she told me to, thinking of the future and what I wanted it to be like.

It was difficult at first, because I had stopped thinking about the future a long time ago. When you're faced with death and violence everyday, the future becomes an abstract concept.

Hell, just being able to wake up the next day was already a blessing.

She smiled at me with that mysterious smile and continued in a softer voice.

"Wouldn't it be nice to have a place to call home, have a little son or daughter run into your arms as you get home everyday and feel your stress melt away with their little hugs? Isn't that better than going back to an empty hotel room every night?"

As she spoke, I began seeing images of the future in my head, visions of what I really wanted but have kept buried in the deepest shadows of my mind because they can never come true.

I saw a familiar face slowly taking shape, one that I'll never get tired of staring at : with dark brown hair framing her small face, red, heart-shaped lips forming a smile, high cheekbones and a pert little nose - and the most amazing gray eyes I have ever seen.