Maybe this time [Completed]

Chapter 33

A/N : switching back to Elisse.

Paul's photo above as Elisse remembers him from that first day :)

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I never knew.

It was weird because I had lived through the same moments that Paul was recalling, but I remember them differently.

I was so stupid. My mother was right.

How did I not realize that Paul loved me? That he had since the beginning?

He had been beside me all the time, had stayed even if I kept pushing him away. He was the one who always tried to make me laugh when I was down, the one who lifted up my spirits whenever I was dead tired.

And all that time I thought we were just friends. Yes, I knew that we had chemistry. It was undeniable, even the people around us could sense it.

But I always chalked it off to attraction. At most, I thought it was a crush that we both had no intention of pursuing.

How could I have been so blind?

Even when he reacted strongly to Ray, I never even thought of asking him. I was stupid and I had hurt him so much, over and over, for so many years.

A sob broke out and I hugged him tightly, wishing with all my heart that it could erase all the pain that I've caused. But I knew that it wasn't enough.

"I'm sorry," I whispered in his ear.

He stiffened and was quiet for so long that I took a step back to look at him.

"What's wrong?"

He stayed silent for a few more seconds, staring at me intently, before he finally replied.

"What are you apologizing for?"

"For everything! For hurting you. For not realizing how you felt. I never knew! I'm so, so sorry..."

"Elisse," he paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "You don't have to apologize. It was a choice you made, it was your right, and I don't blame you. Not one bit. I did all that to myself. If anyone's to blame, it should be me."

"Paul..." I tried to speak but I suddenly broke down, tears falling freely now like a dam had broken and I didn't have the power to stop it.

He hugged me back and gently squeezed my arms, comforting me quietly with his presence until the tears stopped.

"I... I told myself it was only a crush, you know? I convinced myself so well I even started to believe it."

I looked at him guiltily, willing him to understand the decisions I had made in my youth.

"It's okay, Elisse. I already told you, I don't blame you. You don't have to explain."

"No... I want you to understand why. That's the only way I can forgive myself," I begged him, and he finally nodded, urging me to continue.

"It's because I had this stupid, naive idea in my head of what my future would be. And I visualized my husband to be the serious, responsible type. Someone who I can confide in, who I can lean on. Someone stable."

I looked at him and smiled sadly.

"Someone who was not like you. Because you always seemed to be joking around. You never took me seriously, I thought you weren't the type to settle down. And you had so many different girls around you every day, I didn't think you'd be content with just one."

"What? What are you talking about? I never dated when we were at the station."

"Oh I know you never had a serious relationship. But you had girls surrounding you all the time, so I thought maybe you didn't want to be in any relationship at all."

He sighed in resignation.

"I don't even remember a single name or the face of any of those girls. Why didn't you ask me?"

"Because it was none of my business," I replied quietly. "And I understood the attraction. I mean, I had to consciously stop myself from falling for you."

His eyes grew large and his mouth practically hung open in surprise.

"You were falling for me?"

I nodded slowly.

"I think I may have from the start. I thought at the time that I was just annoyed because you were always teasing me. But experience has taught me - and my mom just recently pointed it out - that I don't react like that to anybody else. Just you." 

"But why did you not want it to happen? What did I do wrong?"

He was genuinely confused. I don't blame him. Looking back now, it doesn't make sense to me either.

"Because you looked like a player from the first day I met you. And I didn't want to get my heart broken."