IQ148 // namjoon ✔️

__APRIL__

April ; 2016

One morning, I opened my eyes
And wished I was dead
I want someone to kill me
In this loud silence

NamJoon opens his eyes for a start. But what he really wants is for it to end; for all of it to end.

He had the dream again...

The bird...

The broken shell...

It's black wings...

He recalls the imagery so vividly.

But he also remembers the feeling of entrapment.

Of being lost.

And of being locked out.

Hostile.

Isolated.

Alone.

So alone...

It somehow feels like he hasn't woken up from his dream yet, even though his eyes are open.
The other members haven't awoken yet, so the dorm is completely silent, leaving NamJoon alone in his thoughts.

The silence seems to amplify his thoughts.
And they're not very nice thoughts...

He lies in bed and stares up at the ceiling.

He waits in dead silence until the dorm begins to be bustling with life.

He's thankful for the noise, because the silence was killing him.

Can someone be scared of their own thoughts?

"Hyung?..." NamJoon almost didn't realize Jungkook calling for him at the door, "You should get up now. Everyone's waiting."

"Ah..." NamJoon sits up in his bed, still in a trance, "Sorry... I'll be ready in a moment."

He says this, but there is no weight to his words. There is no motivation in his bones to move at all.

He doesn't know what motivates him to get out of bed anymore.

I live to understand the world
But the world has never understood me, why
No, that half is missing
It's trying to hurt me

NamJoon has always understood the terms of his line of work. The music industry is as elusive as it is rigorous and demanding.

But lately, the lifestyle has been starting to show its effects; his work is starting to take its toll on his personal life.

It's been very difficult for him in terms of work and emotionally.

He recalls their recent concert in Beijing where, for the first time, BTS had to cancel the performance. And it was because of him.
Suddenly, he became afraid of standing up on the stage; just the sight of it even.

He remembers asking himself, "What am I doing here?" And after that, he became unable to enjoy things when he was supposed to.
For one day after they release songs, he can't check the internet; afraid of what society's response will be, although he knows it will be criticism.

People tell him the reaction is great sometimes, but he's still scared of the criticism.

He doesn't understand why...

Why do they keep hating them?

Because they're from a small company?

Because they're not meant to succeed?

He wants answers, but no one really has them.

I miss me miss me baby
I miss me miss me baby
I wish me I wish me baby
Wish I could choose me

NamJoon goes out to take a walk.

He had to escape.

It's suffocating.

Being stuck in the practice room for hours.

Locking himself in his studio with no windows.

Getting anxious backstage until he goes onstage.

It's suffocating, but it's all he has to go through for the music.

Music has his heart, but everything around music beats him into a pulp.

It's like a poison that he drinks constantly because it's too sweet to stop now.

Even though their latest albums have been doing well, it's hard to enjoy the fruit of their labor when everyone thinks they're unworthy.

It feels like the world is against them...

It's times like this when NamJoon misses JungMi.

Misses the bookstore.

He misses himself in those moments with her.

It's the half of him that's missing.

It's the half of him that he misses.

Where did all their time go?

With her, it felt like they had all the time in the world and the world revolves around them.

But where did all the time go?

Had time finally caught up to them?

He always thought they were untouchable.

Is she there right now?

Is she sitting in her usual spot in the corner of the bookstore?

Is she reading a new book?

Is she thinking of him like he's thinking of her?

Is she still waiting for him to come visit the bookstore?

NamJoon looks up at the sky and pretends he's there.

Why is it that I'm being so earnest
Yet it's not working out
Always
Always
Always
Always
Always (I lost my all ways)
Always (I lost my all ways)
Always (I lost my all ways)
Always (I lost my all ways)