Love and Other Bugs

36: Reality

Her tone put me in a catatonic state, I was paralyzed with fear and anticipation as she cleared her throat. Seeming to struggle for a way to phrase what she needed to say. I started to feel dizzy, nausea overtaking my stomach.

"Silas told me everything." She started, remorseful as she took in my visible distress.

"What do you mean?" I tried to act aloof, by my words came out shaky.

"He told me about his feelings, Maura." She continued, "Feelings he shouldn't even be capable of. Feelings he is not programmed to understand or control."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Neither of us was convinced, it was clear I knew what she was talking about.

"Maura..." She shook her head, ignoring my excuses, "He's a machine. Steel, silicone, and wires, he's not capable of human emotions, and even if he were he's not equipped to regulate them the way we are.

"Even if it weren't a terrible idea to let machines have feelings, it would take extensive research and trials to make it safe. Even then it could never be truly safe, emotions are unpredictable and dangerous, even in real humans."

I had given up responding, my mouth was dry and my hands were sweating. My heart was pounding in my ears, almost drowning her out as she continued.

"I'm not sure how it was even possible. I think it was something to do with the character you gave him, the empathetic artistic type. Art and poetry are the most raw, humanistic material out there, and he completely immersed himself in them.

"I think that, in combination with his synthetic mood programming, was just a cocktail for catastrophe. I realize now that the drive is nowhere near ready, it's too open-ended, there needs to be more restrictions and precautions in order for it-"

"Lorraine." I interrupted her rambling, my body felt numb, "What exactly did you do?"

"He told me the whole story of his own accord, Maura. He knew it was dangerous for him to be like that, he told me how close he came to causing Eric more serious harm. He was a loose cannon and he knew it wasn't safe for you-"

"What did you do?" I repeated, heat rising to my face, my voice catching in my throat.

"He asked me to Maura..." She looked at me, tears brimming in her eyes, "I wanted to talk to you first but-"

"Lorraine, damn it, what did you do?!" I yelled, already knowing the answer.

"I erased the drive." She almost whispered, looking down at the table, "I'm so sorry, but it wasn't safe to leave him like that... He's an android, it's not safe for him to love."

"So it was real." Tears streamed down my face, I felt like I was in shock, "He really did love me, it wasn't just the character? Part of the persona?"

"From what I could tell, yes."

"And now.. it's all gone?" I struggled to remain composed, the shock starting to wear off.

"Yes... He's back to being a normal SILAS now. He's still yours, he'll still keep you safe... Silas!" Just as she called his name I burst into tears, the sobs racking my chest, suffocating me as I gasped for breath.

"No!" I stood up from the table, knocking over my chair, "I don't want to see him!"

Lorraine was startled by my outburst, leaning away from me as I continued to cry. It was too late, Silas had already emerged from the hall, standing expressionless in the doorway. He looked the same as when I had last seen him, but his face remained stoic as I held back another wave of sobs.

"I'm so sorry, Maura." Lorraine breathed, looking up at me with a grief-stricken expression.

I ignored her, doing my best to get control of myself as I approached Silas. His eyes were on me as I came to a stop in front of him, unable to hold back a few rogue tears as I reached up to touch his stoic face. He remained still, watching me.

"Are you alright, Mrs. Foster?" He asked, his once familiar voice now came out as clipped and artificial.

I stared up into his eyes, struggling to come to terms with the fact that I had lost him. I was leaving my husband, everything was changing, and now the one person I needed in order to get through it all was gone forever.

I felt as though a hole had been punched in my chest, I had known all along that it was dangerous to let myself feel something for him. I had warned myself so many times not to get attached, but I had done it anyways. And now, it had come back to bite me.

My sadness morphed into anger, as I stared up at his perfect face. Here I was, hurting, and he didn't have to feel any of it. He had made the choice for both of us without telling me, knowing it would affect only me and he wouldn't have to even remember loving me at all.

I removed my hand from his face and placed it on his chest, shoving him backward with all my strength. He stumbled before righting himself, looking completely unfazed.

"How could you?" I whispered, reaching out to shove him again. I knew he was made of heavy steel and could easily resist my shoving if he wanted to, but he let me push him and then balanced himself again.

"You selfish jerk." I pushed again, "You fucking asshole! I don't want to look at you. I don't want to see you ever again."

I pushed him one last time and he nodded his head, politely heeding my request and retreating down the corridor without a backward glance. I turned back towards the kitchen, where Lorraine was now standing, looking worried. Her hands were raised as if she had been about to intervene.

"I don't want to look at you either." I muttered, hurrying out of the kitchen and up the stairs before she could try to explain herself further. I ran straight into the guest room and buried my face in the pillows, sobbing until I was out of tears.