Use Me - C.M.

Chapter 9

I went to Conor's bathroom shortly after that conversation had switched to him telling Jack he was going to check on me. I cleaned my face up to try making it look a little better and went to sit on the edge of his bed. He joined me a couple of minutes later, sitting beside me but not touching me.

"Jack promised he wouldn't say anything to anyone." He said softly.I nodded.

"Are you okay?" He asked cautiously.

"I'm fine. Sorry I overreacted. I'm just embarrassed." I muttered.

"I know. Don't apologize. Jack was out of line." Conor said, frustration in his tone.

Neither of us spoke for several minutes. I shifted every few seconds anxiously and Conor sat completely still, staring down at his hands as he was deep in thought.

"We don't have to do this anymore if you don't want to." He finally spoke, quietly.

I looked at him for the first time since he came up here. "I still want to, if you do."

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"I wouldn't have said I still wanted to do it if I wasn't sure." I replied.

"It's just...you were so upset that Jack found out. I don't want to cause you any more embarrassment if someone else finds out." He explained.Something hit me about what he just said as I watched him looking at me, his jaw tense and hurt in his eyes.

"You know I'm not embarrassed of you, right?" I asked.He looked away for a split second and I knew I had guessed right. "Conor," I said, turning my body towards him and placing a hand on his arm, "I would never be embarrassed of you. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself but not because of you."

"Why are you so ashamed?" He asked.

I sighed. "It's kind of complicated."

He was still looking down at his hands. "Remember what I said about you being hard to read?"

"I know, I'm sorry. I'll explain it to you, I promise. I just don't know how yet." I replied. "Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not." He sighed. "Seeing you so upset just really made me feel like a shitty person, because I'm the reason you feel this way."

"No, you're not. I'm the reason for it because I made the decision to do this. And I don't regret it." I said sternly. "I want you, Conor. I still want you." My voice softened as I spoke the last part.

He finally looked up at me, nodding hesitantly. "Why don't we hang out this weekend? Like we used to. Just friends, watching movies and eating junk food."

I smiled. "That sounds great."I leaned forward, pulling him into a hug and he held me tightly, sighing into my shoulder."We're good, right?" I asked.

"I am if you are." He replied.

I nodded. "I should get going. I'll make it up to you later though."

"I'm pretty sure I'm still the one that owes you." He smirked. "Sorry Jack killed the mood."

I shrugged. "Guess I'll just have to look forward to it until next time. I'll see you later?"

He nodded. "I'll walk you out."

Conor and I stood up and he followed me down the stairs and out to my car, telling me goodbye as he shut my door for me.I forced a smile, but I could tell something was still wrong with him. I couldn't help but think about the conversation I overheard him having with Jack and wondered if maybe Jack was on to something. I thought about this all the way home. Conor never told Jack he had feelings for me, but he did say that sleeping with me was different than it was with other girls. Maybe it was because we were friends, or maybe Jack was right. It really made me question how I felt about Conor. I really cared for him, and my feelings did seem to shift when we became intimate, but isn't it impossible not to feel something different when your relationship changes so much?