Can You Not?

Chapter 3

It was only two weeks into the new school year and Norah already found herself wishing for summer. Her classes felt as though they would drown her pretty soon. The algebra was especially getting her down. Her mother was actually hammering more on that than her father, despite him being the one who made her take it. The first test was in a week and if she doesn’t pass, it will be a family tragedy in her parents’ eyes. On top of her academics, she also had Buttons to worry about. She needed to update every week to keep her audience happy. The last time she didn’t manage to update in time, she was bombarded by terrible comments. It was mostly people asking what was wrong and why the update was late, but some comments were incredibly hurtful. She remembered uploading the page, crawling straight into bed and crying until the next morning. It took her at least a week to get over it.

She’d gotten into a fight with her mother about something stupid one night after dinner. After a shouting match to end all shouting matches, she barricaded herself in her room and tried to do homework, but gave up after ten minutes of staring at a blank Word document. She slid open a window and climbed out onto the roof above the backyard porch. It was like a little observation deck for her. She had the perfect view of the stars from there. Sometimes she mapped the constellations from her perch, but there was never anything new.

Norah sat down on the roof and hugged her knees. She looked up at the stars for a bit, but when her eyes began to burn, she pressed her head into her arms and wept. She just didn’t understand why things had to be this way. She tried to see things from her mother’s point of view, so why couldn’t her mother do the same for her? Because she was selfish, that’s why. For as long as she could remember, her mother had made what other people thought the highest priority. That’s why her mother dressed the way she did, why she talked the way she did. It’s why she never made a single move before she knew exactly what anyone else would think about it. She just couldn’t understand why it made her so sad or why she did the exact same thing when she was out of the house, so Norah cried about. Thinking about everything made her feel like she was losing her mind.

“Hey,” said someone.

Norah spluttered and choked on a sob. She quickly wiped away the tears with her sleeves, but it would still be very clear to anyone with eyes that she’d been crying. When she turned toward the voice, she saw that it was Ellis peering at her over the fence.

“God, Ellis,” she said. “You scared me.”

“I’m sorry.”

He’d ruined her moment of pathetic solace and she wanted him gone, but she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t leave unless she pelted him with rocks. Instead she asked him, “What are you doing out here?”

“I saw you and you looked upset,” he told her. “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Mission failed then,” she said, rubbing her eyes. “I’m not.”

He chewed on his lip and eyed her warily. She could practically smell the sympathy wafting from him and it made her feel even sicker.

“I’m coming over,” he said.

“No. Don’t – “ she tried protesting, but he was already climbing over the fence.

He made climbing over the fence look easy. Once he was in the yard, he climbed onto the side of the porch and used the trellis as a sort of ladder to get up to the roof. He made that look even easier. When he was on the roof he sat down next to her. There was enough light coming from her room for him to see her face clearly. Knowing this made her feel very self-conscious.

“Tell me about it,” he said softly.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yes, you do,” he said bluntly. “This is the kind of sadness you need to share with someone to get rid. If you really wanted to be alone, you would have ignored me completely or went back inside. So talk.”