vexatious (infuriating sequel)

chapter fifty-seven

"did you have an anxiety attack?" colbys voice snaps me back into reality. i have been lost in an ocean of thoughts about losing him for god knows how long when i fully process and digest where i am and what has happened. "yeah," i say slowly. i am not sure what it was or how it happened, but i collapsed out of nowhere and lost my pride when colby said that he didn't need me. my heart is aching and i feel like i did in high school. when those girls said mean things to me, i felt my hands shake and my thoughts dissolve. i am only a spec of a human now, i feel like i am nothing.

"i didn't mean it," he says, sitting next to me. i feel my bed sink and i am stuck here, laying down and listening to colby backtrack on his previous statement.

"what?" i ask, momentarily forgetting the previous events. i know he is saying what i want to hear, but i can't shake the words from my head. they echo over and over until i begin to lose my sanity.

"i didn't mean it, when i said i didn't need you. it was stupid. i just wanted to defend myself. i didn't mean that, i'm so sorry," he apologizes and i finally find the courage in my weak body to look up to him.

"is she okay?"

fuck. jake shouldn't be in here. "she's fine, can you get out?" colbys voice is harsh and i want to stop him from being so rude to his friend, but i can't find the words to speak up. don't be mean to him, he must've heard me fall. he is just trying to be nice.

"as long as she's fine, yeah," i hear jakes voice get closer and then farther away. i close my eyes, trying to pretend none of this is happening.

"he's gone," colby whispers and i flutter my eyes back open and focus them on his face. he looks frightened, like i just pulled a rug out from beneath his feet. he must've forgotten about my anxiety recently, seeing as it hasn't been nearly as bad. but i am still me, and i am still fragile from time to time.

"i didn't mean it," he repeats, laying himself down next to me and pulling me close. "i believe you," i say quietly. i do, i know he didn't mean it. he said it in as a heat of the moment decision and i know him well enough than to believe anything he says when it is followed by a dramatic sigh. i know his mannerisms like the back of my hand by now, and i know he didn't mean it. i'm not quite sure why the idea had me so weak and so fast, but my body just couldn't handle that stress. i dismiss the thought that he's only apologizing because he saw my weakness. surely he wouldn't do that. surely he would have the courage to tell me if he didn't love me, right?

"do you love me even if i get jealous?" he asks, sounding like a child. how could i not? how can he doubt my feelings for him even after all this time? he is all i think about, and all i ever want to think about.

"of course," i assure the insecure boy. i see tears pooling in his eyes and i can't stop myself from embracing him and placing a kiss on his lips. i never wanted to make him cry.

"i'm sorry," he apologizes. "why?" i ask quickly, watching as a few tears escape his eyes. i pull him close and let him release the emotions he's clearly been holding in. i just want to understand him. i want to know why he does these things, and what it is that makes him so afraid of me cheating on him. i want to get inside of his mind and find the nerve that causes him fear, and just remove it altogether.

"for getting so jealous of him," he shrugs sadly. i feel like my heart is breaking with every word he chokes out through tears. "it's okay colby, i just don't understand why," i admit. his eyes look everywhere but at me, and i find myself wishing i was back a few months in time when my growing friendship with jake wasn't a problem.

"i don't either," he mutters, and runs his fingers through his hair like he was just given a piece of horrible information. i don't believe him. i don't say anything, and just watch as he gathers himself and wipes away the tears, no longer letting them fall fearlessly. his momentary lapse of judgment must've passed, because there is no longer a single sign of sadness behind his words. only regret and remorse. i thank god that we aren't yelling at each other anymore, but knowing that he is holding all of this inside breaks me.