vexatious (infuriating sequel)

chapter fifty-eight

dear colby,

i feel cold. you left me in my bed and it's unfamiliar. i feel like any other time, you would've stayed by my side until i felt better. i feel like you would've cared for me, just like how you used to. is it because of corey? jake? anyone else? is your jealousy the reason you aren't here with me right now?

i miss you. i miss the way you used to take care of me. it's christmas and i feel isolated from the joy i usually feel on this day. maybe i should have gone home. maybe i should've spent the holiday with my family and maybe then i could've avoided feeling this way. maybe it's all my fault, but i can't help this feeling. am i losing you?

is my friendship with jake really enough to make you completely leave me in the dark? are coreys attempts to care for me in a way that you weren't so bad? you weren't there, and he was. he was doing it out of kindness, so why is that bad?

i feel sad. you aren't here, and i can't shake the thought that it's not a coincidence. maybe it's because we live together now, that you don't feel obligated to stay with me, but i feel like it's jake. i feel like all of this is because of jake. why don't you trust me? why don't you trust him? why can't you just understand that i would never intentionally hurt you that way? i place my faith in you and your word, why can't you do the same for me? why can't you take that risk and accept that i won't hurt you? i won't hurt you, colby.

where have you been? you seem so far. maybe i'm just drunk, maybe i'm going insane. maybe this is all in my head.

you're vexatious. you make me want to punch my wall, and that's something i've never felt before. it's frustrating that you don't trust me. it's frustrating to know that i have to watch every move i make. i still don't understand why. i don't understand the reason that you are so hesitant to believe in me. i don't get it. why jake? we are just friends, and i couldn't do that to you or julia. i know how much she likes him, and he likes her, they're cute right?

maybe i'm losing track of the point here. the point is that i love you. the point is that i care for you more than you realize if you think i could ever touch someone else the way i touch you. i could never let someone else kiss me the way you do. i hold you so close to my heart, you are my first love. the only person i've ever let into my mind. why don't you understand that? why aren't you here right now? emotionally and physically, you are gone right now.

why can't you just be here, holding me in your arms even if you're worried about jake? i wouldn't let that hold me back from telling and showing you how much i love you. even when amelia was in the picture. i didn't let her hold me back from what i feel for you.

colby, you are everything to me. why can't you just drop your guard and admit that you're scared? what are you so afraid of? i haven't betrayed you thus far, why would i now? why would i turn my back on the very reason i am here right now? how could i let go of you? i can't, ever. i can't ever leave you in the past. even if i am to lose you, and you are to be gone forever, i will never forget about you.

i feel so alone right now. i am cold. you can't be there for me in the ways you're supposed to be. you're my boyfriend, and my best friend. you're everything to me. i am drunk, and i am not in the right state of mind, but why can't you just... be there for me? maybe i'm overthinking, maybe it's all in my head. why can't you accept that i love you and no one else?

my hands shake as i hold the small piece of paper out to colby, his eyes bloodshot and tired. i am not sure why i am giving this to him, but i know that if i don't, sober andromeda will never get it out.