vexatious (infuriating sequel)

chapter eighty-five

colby

i have to get away from her, i have to get away from this whole conversation. i don't know where i'm going to go, but i have to get away. if i stay here any longer i think i might break.

she's right. she's always right, and she knows it. i'm awful to her and i don't deserve to be able to call her mine. i do try to control her, and it's not a subconscious thing. i know i'm doing it when i do it, i just can't help it. i don't know exactly why, but i'm guessing it has to do with josephine. the way she hurt me, the way she scarred me. i can't help but assume that andromeda will do the same. i got so tired of feeling like i wasn't in control, so i took things into my own hands. i know she's right, i know i am no good for her. she has all the right in the world to leave me and never speak to me again, but i'm selfish. if i walk away, i leave the ending open. she can't break up with me if i walk away right now, and i will take that option over the inevitable end of that conversation. i can't hear her say the words, i just pray to fuck she didn't go back inside that apartment and find nick. i didn't say anything about him to her, because i already felt too guilty for telling sam that she agreed to move with me. i just hope she doesn't think he's better for her than i am. i pray she wouldn't do that to me, and i don't think she would. but i can't shake the fear inside of me. maybe i shouldn't have left, but it's too late now. i can't take back what i did. i have to go and i can't come back.

before i know where i am walking, i am already almost there. the place i took her that started all of this. i still don't know why i did it, and if i'm being honest, i was definitely still drunk when i convinced her to get into my car with me. i thought maybe if i showed her the place i ran to when josephine broke my heart, i'd erase the bad memory with a better one. i thought that if her face was painted on a canvas in my mind, i'd stop comparing her to josephine. i thought if i allowed myself to get to know her, i wouldn't keep drowning in assumptions that she'd break my heart.

i never thought i'd find someone like her. she is like josephine, she's just as stubborn and corrupted. even if she doesn't realize it, she is nowhere near as pure as she thinks she is. but that's what i love about her. i love how cruel she can be, because nobody ever challenges me. i'm so used to everyone backing down or backing away. there is no fight against me, there hasn't been for years now. after josephine did what she did, i turned into a different person. i wasn't nice anymore, i decided i'd never smile at a stranger again. i always assumed that if i did, the stranger would walk into my life and ruin me the way she did.

i'm fucked up, i know i am. i'm the worst man i've ever met, if i'm a man at all. i'm a pussy, and i don't know how to trust people. i don't know how to open up, and that's why andromeda doesn't have half of a clue about my past. she never asked, and i took advantage of that. when she did ask, i'd shoot her down in the only way i knew how. i know i fucked her up, but i couldn't help it. i just had to get away from myself and the things that i was feeling. i had no idea our relationship would take a turn so quickly.

i still remember the first time i saw her, i was immediately in love. i glared at her and i said everything i knew she didn't want to hear, in hopes she'd be disgusted and never even think about talking to me. the way she looked in that blue dress, the way the fabric hugged her, but left so much to the imagination. the way she smiled at tara like her life depended on it, i had this strange urge to make her smile myself. the way her voice was the only thing i could hear the entire night, even if i was on the other side of the room. i needed her, and i buried those feelings with rude comments and i acted like a total dick to keep her away from me. that's why i drank that night, i never told her that. i thought that the alcohol would distract me from her. i thought that if i was fucked up i wouldn't have to confront the fact that i had some weird childlike crush on the random girl tara brought to the party. i had heard about andromeda before, but i never expected her to be so damn beautiful. i never expected her to sweep me off my feet like a little bitch.