Just an introduction

Lessons learned

I want to share my lessons learned from a lifetime of loss...
Ever since I could remember,my life and loss became inseparable. At age 10 I lost a happy home,when my parents divorced.Sometimes when I look back,I find them selfish.No one thought how it would impact me.They just assumed 'she's smart so she will figure it out'.Both parents unfaithful ,leaving no good example for me to take and I remember me telling myself 'I don't want to be like them'.And the rest of my life was spent figuring out this thing called life.Then,I lost my mom.I had to figure out how to go on without her.Once I figured that out,I lost a baby....And I'm still figuring out how to move on from that.I lost my dad,I could move on,I lost my job,I moved on.But losing a child is something I will never move on from.My son or daughter would have been 10 years old now and I still imagine what he or she would've looked like.Would I have a nice child or a naughty one?A smart child or a challenging one?Obedient or heard headed?I guess I'll never know.....
It paralysed my desire for children immediately. I have become so scared to start again because my mind is filled with 'what ifs'.What if I lose it again?Will I survive it?The pain would be one impossible to bear.I remember my pregnancy like it was yesterday...I had not morning sickness,just craving a lot of weird things.My ex would be the one feeling nauseous or tired .He was at a crossroads and made the wrong choice.Image was everything to him.And at our church our pastor had a strict 'no sex before marriage rule' .And my pregnancy was proof that we had sinned,although we were already engaged. I remember one day he came from work.And I was showing quite early.I couldn't button my jeans anymore.And as I laid on the bed,not feeling well,he asked me how I was feeling.I told him fine.And I said 'I want to show you something'.He said 'what?'And I showed him my small bump.I remeber his eyes growing wide and he said:'You're growing! He would always caress my belly or touch it in some way.For someone who didn't want the baby,he never acted like it.I would sniff him all day and want to cuddle and he knew I wanted more.When I lost the pregnancy we cried so much and he moved on but I never could....Knowing it was living and growing inside of me,and not anymore just left me stuck.When I read about Prince losing two children ,I cried...because I know its something you can never get over...I've learned to survive  but I am still learning how to move on from it.......