Head Down

◤thirty two◢

"I can't keep writing the poems."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not writing him anymore poems."

"Mark— He loves them." Jaemin starts, and Mark can't help himself from
wincing are how frantic the younger sounds. "You haven't seen him when he reads them. Hyung, he melts. It's the only thing he's been looking forward to."

Mark doesn't want to look at Jaemin as he speaks, in fear of finding the look in his eyes as desperate as his voice.

He knows that Donghyuck has been looking forward to his poems. Jaemin tells him frequently, how Donghyuck says a word or two about them to him. Jeno mentions a few things too, about how light and not-as-moody Donghyuck is at home.

Mark knows he's making the younger boy happy with all his poems.

But that doesn't mean he's doing the right thing.

The poems— They're anonymous, as far as Donghyuck knows. As far as anyone knows, really, save for Jeno and Jaemin.

Anonymity, that's what's spurring Donghyuck on. Would Donghyuck have written back the first time if he had known that it was Mark behind the carefully crafted words? Would he have continued to send his admirer letters of gratitude and explanation, if he had known that Mark had been the one holding the pen each time?

He wouldn't have.

He's Lee Donghyuck, and Lee Donghyuck isn't easy.

Mark knows that—

Mark knows everything about Donghyuck.

Which is why he knows Donghyuck trusts his admirer. A scary amount: to be able to explain himself in the most recent note. Mark had already known about Donghyuck's life. Family, romance, and everything in between. However, letting Donghyuck know that through his poems would've been too obvious, would've narrowed the field down way too much. The one part he had included about Donghyuck being pretty, about what price Donghyuck had to pay, had all been there as compliments. As statements of awe and infatuation. Not gateways and invites for Donghyuck to spill his story and secrets onto paper.

But that had been what he had done. Because he trusts his admirer.

The hand behind the pen.

The mind behind the words.

The anonymity that Mark hides behind.

If Donghyuck were to find out that Mark had been writing him these poems, it's over.

"Jaemin, he can't know it's me." Mark says simply, still refusing to meet the younger's eyes.

"And he doesn't! He doesn't know it's you, Mark hyung. You—" Jaemin snaps, seeming immensely frustrated. "You're gonna break him again."

Jaemin ignores the way Mark freezes up at that in favour of continuing.

"His admirer, you, he's infatuated with them. He idolizes them, thinks they're so beautiful. Mark, Donghyuck thinks you're so beautiful."

"He doesn't know it's me—"

"And if he does? Is he going to suddenly throw his infatuation away? Change his mind about the beauty behind the words he reads? Is he going to suddenly trash every note he's been collecting? Mark, he's gonna love you more for that. This is a side of you Donghyuck didn't know you had— He's not going to scold you for your talent."

"That's not the problem!" Mark snaps, finally looking at Jaemin, and just as he predicted, his eyes are overflowing with desperation. "Jeno said it himself, Donghyuck loves poetry and pros! That's not the problem— Donghyuck doesn't trust me. I took away whatever trust he had in me when I told him we weren't friends, everyone knows that. But he trusts his admirer, enough to tell them his story and secrets. To open up. Taeil has said himself that Donghyuck doesn't need more than a listening ear before he's smitten. That's the admirer. That's me. But he doesn't know that— And this? I'm a liar, Jaemin. It's cowardly, to hide behind anonymity and not let him know the truth. He's not going to be happy when he finds out I'm behind the poems. I broke his trust once; him finding out that the person he's infatuated with lied about their identity— Jaemin. I can't win him back."

"You're victimizing yourself. Don't do that Mark," Jaemin pleads, coming up close to the elder boy and making sure they hold eye contact. He wants Mark to absorb every word he says. "If you stop writing to him, he'll lose the sparkle in his eyes. I know that you know he doesn't deserve that. The last thing he deserves, is to be revoked of something that makes him happy. You can't be like them. You can't be Youngho, Jeno, and you can't be Taeil. You can't promise him everything, love, adoration and captivation, through your poetry, just to take it away with a snap of your fingers.

"Youngho, Jeno and Taeil, they love Donghyuck. Just like you do. But you? You can love him without hurting him. Without abandoning him. If it's killing you how much he's told you, his admirer, drop the title. Come out of anonymity. Tell him the truth. The one thing Donghyuck will cherish, is you staying. Finding out that his admirer and you are the same person, that's just a bonus."

Mark wonders when Jaemin had connected all the pieces together.

He guesses he really did do his job at collecting intel.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

fragile state of mind.
are you constantly in one?
a vulnerable and irrational state of mind.
one that's terrified of something at all times; paranoid some might even say.
constantly assuming the worst.
why would you do that to yourself?
enjoy yourself, lee donghyuck.
enjoy the things you think may not last.
what's the point of living in fear of the unknown, when you could be living in the moment?
lose yourself.
find yourself.
love yourself.
repeat.
you lost yourself once; to me.
on a park bench, under the moon.
you have yet to find yourself after that.
and it's my fault.
your worth, shouldn't be dictated by what i had said. they were lies.
you have yet to love yourself.
i'm sorry you couldn't love yourself before i loved you.
i'm sorry, lee donghyuck.
repeat?
after this, my last proem, you may have to.
sweetest donghyuck, who's beauty is unscathed, who's words are unmatched, and who's heart is made of pure gold;
i'm sorry.

~ mark