Head Down

◤fifty three◢

"Can I tell you something?"

Jeno likes seeing Jaemin in his room.

He likes how Jaemin looks like he belongs, and how he fits into the black curtains and cherry wood desk. He likes how he fits into the picture frames on the wall and the socks strewn around.

Jeno likes how familiar Jaemin looks. How familiar he feels next to him in the mornings, how familiar his toothbrush is next to his own.

Jeno likes a lot of things about Jaemin, but the way he effortlessly completes all the puzzles in his life has to be his favourite.

Jaemin is Jeno's favourite.

"What is it?" Jeno asks, smiling happily up at Jaemin, who walks closer to him. He's sitting on the edge of his bed, and Jaemin makes his way over, sitting down next to him. Jaemin looks pretty with his hair falling into his eyes, his hands going to grab for his own, his skin warm and tender.

"You know," the younger boy starts, running his thumbs over Jeno's knuckles. He's learned that this helps Jeno stay grounded, and keeps his mind from wandering to unwanted places. And right now, Jaemin would rather Jeno keep his focus entirely on him. "I love you a lot."

Jeno smiles immediately when he hears Jaemin's words, crinkled crescents and half moons which light up Jaemin's entire sky. Even in the darkest moments, Jeno seems to have a light that couldn't ever be diminished. Jaemin guesses that's the beauty that comes with rivalling the moon.

"I love you a lot too," Jeno answers, leaning in to kiss Jaemin.

To the latter, it tastes bittersweet. Sweet like the chocolate Jeno likes to nibble on, but bitter because this might be the last time he'll be able to do this.

"My Jeno," Jaemin whispers against the older boy's lips, skin brushing against each other and breaths mingling between them. His hands come up to hold Jeno around his shoulders, thumbing at the base of his neck. "Sweetest boy in the whole world."

Jeno smiles, he doesn't think he can stop, and he brings his own hands up to cup Jaemin's face. Jaemin's slim jaw, Jaemin's bright eyes, Jaemin's button nose. Jaemin's face, which holds more emotions than Jeno can count on both hands. Jaemin's face, which had him smitten.

"Nana," he says, stroking under the other's sparkling eyes. Adoration to unease, Jeno's sees everything in the pools of brown. And although he doesn't understand the extent of what those emotions mean inside Jaemin's pupils, he doesn't think about it. Because something he's learned, is to live in the moment. "You're like my good luck charm. I don't know where you came from, but ever since you have, everything's been so much better," Jeno says softly, gentle with the way he looks into the younger's eyes. He wants to make sure Jaemin understands the depth of his words through his eyes. He's been working on communicating his emotions, after all.

Jeno's words make Jaemin smile, and he feels like he did good, for the first time in forever. But as he sees the tears gather in Jaemin's eyes, he can't think of what he did wrong.

"I love you," Jaemin nods again, his hands coming to hold Jeno's wrists. Tears slip out of his eyes and down his cheeks, but he's smiling. He's smiling and he's so pretty, and Jeno doesn't understand. Doesn't understand why he looks so devastated, and doesn't understand why he's crying. "You're so beautiful, Jeno-ya. You're everything beautiful in this world."

Confused, Jeno tries to send an appreciative smile to Jaemin, but it doesn't come out right because he's so lost.

He doesn't get it.

"What's wrong?" He asks, wiping away at the tears streaking down the other's face. "You can tell me, Jaemin. I'll try to help. I'll always try my best for you," he assures, trying to sound convincing.

He doesn't think it works though, because Jaemin just cries harder, shaking his head this time instead of nodding.

"You're amazing," Jaemin says through his ragged breaths, unable to look at Jeno in the eyes anymore. He doesn't want to see the confusion and the concern flood through his irises, he doesn't want to make this more painful than it needs to be. "You have to know that you're amazing, Jeno. Don't let anyone say otherwise, you're so wonderful, honey."

"Jaemin, I don't get it," Jeno says, the corners of his lips turning down. "I'm scared Jaemin."

"Don't be scared," Jaemin says softly, the comforting lilt in his tone that always seems to be there present as he catches his breath. "There's nothing to be scared of, silly boy."

"Jaemin—"

"Let's not see each other anymore," he cuts off, smiling ethereally at Jeno, smiling like an angel, way too beautiful for someone who just flipped Jeno's world on its head.

"No," Jeno immediately denies, a whisper, almost like he doesn't want to believe it. Because he doesn't. He can't lose Jaemin. Not again, and not ever, he won't let himself. He won't be stupid again, he won't be selfish again, he won't hurt him again, and he promised. He promised all these things to Jaemin, so why, why is Jaemin trampling all over his heart? "Na Jaemin, stop. I don't want to stop seeing you—"

"But I do."

Jaemin knows it's playing dirty, it's not playing fair. It's using the fact that Jeno would give Jaemin anything he asks for. It's making Jeno stay away, but it's for the best. It's for Jeno.

Everything Jaemin does is for Jeno.

"You do?" Jeno asks, and it sounds like a whimper to Jaemin's ears. "You really want to stop?"

"Jeno-ya," Jaemin drawls, loving and as if he hadn't just dropped the biggest bomb into Jeno. "I'm always gonna be yours. It doesn't make sense to love someone who isn't Jeno Lee," he says, finally holding eye contact with the boy. "But I love you Jeno. I love you so much. I love you enough to let you heal without me."

Ah.

Jeno understands.

Jeno gets it.

Even though he doesn't like it, and he doesn't want to get it, he does.

"You're selfish," Jeno whispers, his own eyes welling up with tears. "You don't wanna stay by me for that?"

Jaemin smiles.

"I don't think I'd be much help if I was there. I'm selfish Jeno. I want you to be able to grow, alone."