"Good night prince and princess," I said to the sleepy toddlers. They both said 'goodnight' and fell asleep. The house was now empty but that did not bother me as I was already used to the loneliness. With this loneliness came thoughts of Taehyung. In all honesty, I was confused with exactly what I was doing with my life and our relationship. We only said about three words to each other and that is only because the children stay with me every weekend.
I also did not know my exact feelings when it came to Taehyung. I was always nonchalant until he told me he was going on a date where I felt a huge wave of jealousy rush through me. Had no right at all to feel jealous. I should have been happy that Taehyung was moving on, that he was doing what made him, happy. I shouldn't have felt jealous that I was not the source of happiness for Taehyung because I had no right at all to feel that way. I had my chance and I blew it. I left him and now he is finally moving on. He is moving on.
I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. I missed him. I missed his smile, I missed his cuddles, his warm hand, and ever so thoughtful self. I can't believe I gave someone as brilliant as Taehyung up. That guy was all I ever wanted. I should have been satisfied nut no I had to break up because I felt like we would not survive a couple of years. I really left him to care for two children alone when he was just 18. I felt horrible and could not believe it took me so long to realise that what I did was not okay and will never be okay.
It must have been hell having to go through pregnancy alone. I let Taehyung suffer so much and God that realization made me feel so horrible at myself. I felt like puking. I walked into my bedroom and just lied on the bed and just stared at the bare, white ceiling. I fucked up bad and lost him. The plan was to ignore how I felt from him.
The weekend went by too fast and soon I had to see Taehyung and drop off the kids with him.
"Hey tinies, you ready to go meet your papa? I am sure he is super excited to see you both since he had to be away from for two days." I spoke as I was helping the dress into something that was not utterly mismatched and uncoordinated. "Okay, now you're already so let's go meet your Papa." The drive was short and soon I had to say bye to my little peanuts.
Taehyung was standing at the doorway like he always did. I unblocked the kids from their car seats and watched them run towards Tae.
"Thanks!" he called out.
"For?" I asked
"Coming earlier on Friday."
"It's no problem just doing my job as a Dad" he nodded and turned to walk back in but stopped when I called him. "I am so sorry," I said. He titled his head to the said a sign that told me he was confused. "For being a fool. I am sorry for being a fool" and with I got into the car and drove off.
I put on the radion on my home to prevent myself from thinking about my idiotic past decisions. When I was close home, I called my newly wedded best friend, Hoseok.
"What the hell do you went you little shit?"
"Normal people answer the phone with 'hello'"
"I was asleep. Now please do tell me why are you calling me? What do you want? If it is money, I'm broke and just got married."
"Why do always assume I call you because I need something?"
"Because that is the only reason you call me. Now answer the question of what do you want?"
"Advice."
"On Tae?"
"Yeah. I think I still love him."
"You think you still love him?"
"Yes. That is what I just said. Keep up."
"Bitch, I just woke up." he then proceeded to take a very dramatic deep breath. "So, carry on"
"That's it I guess I honestly don't know how I feel right now?"
"What made you start this train of thought?"
"I guess it was cause Taehyung went on a date"
"Do you need professional help?"
"Why are you asking that?"
"Because it seems to me like you are mentally confused. Did you hit your head somewhere?"
"Soekie, I am serious here!"
"I am also being serious!" I kept quiet and he kept on talking. "You cannot keep on doing this! You say you love him now just because he is dating and when he stops dating you lose interest. I am happy Taehyung finally found someone else because that guy has had enough from you. First, you break up a what, two or three years relationship because of some insecurities you could have talked about then you proceed to show up at his door then live with him. And as if that is not enough when you find out about the heart problems you leave him because you could not contain ego and comfort him when you kept on prodding for answers when he was upset.
Then you come to me and whine about. You refuse to give him space for a while and immediately started bothering for visiting rights immediately he comes home from the hospital. Do you have if his condition has improved or worsen? You honestly do not care for him at all so don't call me telling me that you love Taehyung because. You're just being selfish and now that he's found someone who possibly makes him happy you come up with the love card and want him. Stop this and just let him be happy. He's suffered enough!"
"Hyung..." I had no words probably because he was right. "I have to go. We'll talk later" I said the hung up. Maybe I really was selfish. I felt my cheeks get wet and immediately wiped the tears away. There was no reason for me to cry. But the truth did hurt. I parked in the garage and left the car thinking about Hoseok Hyung words.
I honestly do not know I feel about this.
What do you guys think?
Thanks for reading!!
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