Abschied

i risked it all [Narnia]

Warning spoiler ahead if you haven't read the last book of Narnia!

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The last time Susan met Peter, they both argued over something that Peter thought was as simple as forgetting to brush your teeth before going to bed—while for Susan was far more important than any lunch invitations she got during her stay in America with her parents. In some people’s sight, both of them often had different opinion that led them to dissagree with each other, argue over the smallest thing, or even just scramble for the last piece of sausage on dinner’s table.

But that day was different. Susan still remembered how pissed Peter’s look was when that older brother of her said, “You’re too young to marry.”

Susan was mad. It’s not like someone proposed to her—she simply just told Peter about the man she wanted to marry with. “I am 21 years old, Peter,” Susan answered abruptly. “And he’s a good man.”

“How do you know he’s good? You started going out with him two months ago.”

“I just knew.”

Peter didn’t seem satisfied. He always mocked Susan for pretending to be the most logical between four of them but this time either Edmund or Lucy would probably agree with the oldest brother. It wasn’t Susan’s fault, she’s getting older every year and being the oldest daughter was enough to put Mrs. Pevensie’s hope too high. Everyone pushed her to fulfill their expectations, to be a good student and a sweet girl at the same time, to be able to write poetry and cook dinner for the whole family, to be perfect.

Everyone pushed her to every direction, everyone—except her brother.

Lucy always had the biggest grin whenever Susan came with stories of a man who sent her love letter every two weeks, a man who gave her flowers on her birthday, a man who walked her home once Tuesday evening and asked her to go for a dinner the next weekend. Edmund teased her a lot, sometimes seemed like he doesn’t really care as long as Susan’s not hanging out with problematic guy, but deep down Susan knew her younger brother cared the most.

Peter—on the other hand—showed his dislike too much. This wasn’t the first time. Susan wouldn’t forget the conversation they had before Peter graduated from school. It was four years ago, the horrible war just ended so he had more opportunities to apply in university. “I want to study medical,” he said.

Susan was a bit surprised. She thought Peter was more into politic. “Why?” asked her.

The lad glanced briefly to her. “I can’t say that I want to be a king, am I?”

“Practically, yes.” Susan chuckled. “But aren’t you a King already?”

There was a brief silence. For a moment Susan cursed herself from saying things that might hurt Peter’s feeling—but he was fine. He smiled and asked her in return, “What do you want to do?”

It was arguably the most difficult question for her 17 years old self. Susan was once a queen, The Gentle Queen. Susan believed she can be anything and whatever she want—like how the talking beasts were living freely without any fear of man’s cruel hand, how the trees danced and swirled throughout the wood, how the lantern that Lucy had found in the Lantern Waste was still lighten up even after years of winter. She believed, but reality crushed her faith.

That time, Peter saw her with the gentle smile still painted on his lips. “It’s alright, one day you’ll see too.”

But it isn’t as Susan thought it would be.

The same for leaving Narnia without any chance of going back. The same for getting hurt again and again until she stopped believing. The same for being left behind because she tried her best surviving her current life.

The same for being left alone by Peter, Edmund, Lucy, and her parents.

The last time Susan met Peter, she wished they wouldn't have been arguing over the smallest thing.