ineedyou

part one

when you walked into the convenient store beside your favorite coffee shop you didnt expect to find almond milk, or a stray cigarette in your coat pocket. but you especially didn't expect to find johnny seo crying against the concrete wall behind aisle two.

you stare at him. hes balled up on the floor head wrapped against his knees, back heaving. people walk by and pretend not to see him or step over his legs like hes a part of the floor decoration.

this annoys you, you have an urge to comfort him. its strong and overpowering and you know you cant resist it. you shake your head in disbelief as you place the items you were gonna buy on a nearby rack and somewhat tentatively make your way over.

you place your back on the wall. he doesnt seem to notice you or care. you slowly slide down and sit on the cold glazed floor beside him. the crown of your head presses against the bricks as you stare up at the lights.

you feel johnny glance at you in between sobs, then probably deciding you weren't a threat or worth his thoughts.

he turns back to his knees. you feel johnnys body shake beside you. the weight of his sadness pulling on your shoulders, pushing you farther into the ground beside him. you don't dare look over at his red face stained with tears, you don't know what youd do or say.

you fidget with your fingers in your lap trying to stall your need for a cigarette or two. for some reason you think you need to be here. beside him.

you don't know why, or if she would approve. god, she wouldn't approve of a lot of the things you do now. you wince at the thought, not wanting to confront who you've become. youre scared of her. you try not to shake beside him.

unsure of what youre about to do or what you should say. so you don't think, and just speak.

"sometimes, you just need to say it. you just need to share whatever is keeping you down."

you feel johnny look up at you. you cant look at him, youre too fragile you know youll break.

"you might feel better, lighter."

you pull your gaze into his eyes, filled with tears. theres brown glinting under sadness. you hope he doesn't see your lip quiver or hear your heart beat. he puts his head back between his knees and you ignore his whimpers.

unable to move yourself. you don't know how long you sit there, you were ready to stay forever. until your legs rooted into the ground or your back melded into the wall. but then he speaks and your illusion of desolation is shattered by his soft voice.

"I-I have friends, I have family. they usually smile and tell me im great or that they are proud of me. but I cant help but feel like im not enough, I cant help but think theyre lying. I know im a disappointment to them because I am to myself. if I was even half the man everyone thought I was I-."

he stops talking as you continue to listen to the silence where his words hang, theres nothing you can say or do. you know this from experience but you are slightly relieved that johnny decided to open up to you.

" I feel guilty with every step I take. that I was raised and surrounded by so many people. so many good people, and I have the audacity to feel sad for myself. to feel so much pity for myself and to wallow and even resent my achievements."

johnny rests his head on the wall behind him. you see his adams apple bob as he tries to supress a sob.

" I feel so angry that im sad, ive never really been happy. I know that now. I should be happy, I should be contempt and carefree. but im sad, im so fucking sad and incomplete."

your throat bobs as well when he continues to speak. the harsh lights paling his skin.

"im sad that im not happy and I don't think ill ever be."

he takes a breath after this, collecting all things lost. his shaking finally stops so you know you sure as hell cant start now. your eyes feel so heavy, your heart feels so heavy. you don't know what to do and neither does he.

"theres no point of going on if no one needs me." he whispers maybe convincing himself.

"if don't even need myself."

his eyes widen to the floor as you almost shout,

"hey hey! look at me."

you grab his head shakily pulling him to look up at you.

"I need you okay. I need you."

you want to wipe the tears out of his eyes but you just leave him. you've definitely overstepped whatever invisible boundaries you've set.

you feel him cry into the air beside your head. the both of you stare at the artificial lights above you, blotting your vision.

you don t know how long you sit there. but johnnys arm falls beside him, and you think of her. you think of your sadness, his sadness and how much you need to hold his hand. you don't know why, but you just do.

shakily you place your finger tips into his hand. he unfolds it, letting you in as you grasp your hand in his.

you feel him lightly hold onto yours needing to be grounded somehow. you close your eyes and focus on your hands.

how your skin is pressed together and you feel the electricity jumping between you both.

you stay there for what might of been an eternity. you could of opened your eyes and would've been fine if the world had aged forty years or if the store was ripped up from the ground beneath you. because youre here.

just with him. maybe johnny reminds you of her, but he reminds you of the sun and of your mother and of all things good and blooming in the world.

"everything passes. everything." you whisper, you hope that you didn't just say it in your head.

but then you feel his fingers slowly curl closer to yours and a somber smile creeps on your face, pushing the tears back into your eyes.

hes tentative beside you. but its easy, you two together is easy.

and maybe people walking by or stepping over the both of your out stretched legs would frown in disbelief or second hand embarrassment. but you wouldn't care or even open your eyes. you feel lighter for the first time in a while.

sitting on the cold ground holding a crying strangers hand, staring at bright fluorescent lights half listening to an electric guitar solo on the stores radio. this calms you more than cigarettes or the dark.

he calms you.