In the Absence of a Good Life

(17) The Phantom Menace

The Screw Up (A.K.A The Boy - Jimmy)

I woke up feeling so weak. I hated that I felt that way, though I knew it was my own fault. I sat up slowly, my head was throbbing and my stomach felt so full, even though I hadn't eaten anything in two days.

I stood up and nearly collapsed back onto my bed with the effort. I shuffled my feet towards the bathroom and started the shower. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately wished I hadn't.

A stranger looked back at me. I didn't know who he was anymore. He'd taken over my life and ruined everything. I looked into his eyes and couldn't see the normal depth within them. They were shallow and dull, without the sparkle that they'd once had. His face seemed so gaunt and the beginnings of a beard showed on his chin. He hadn't shaved in days, or showered. His greasy hair hung limply over his head. 

Who was he?

Who am I?

...

I stepped out of the bathroom looking like my old self, though inside I was still trying to find myself through the turmoil within. I had to change, I knew that, but how? Even if I knew the how, would I ever get the chance to make the adjustment to how I lived? I'd fucked my life up so badly that I had begun to doubt that I'd even survive long enough to make that all important change.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on the front door. I looked out the window in the hall that overlooked it. Last night's events came rushing back to me. 'Shit'. I said aloud. I sank to the floor in shame. My hands crossed over my head and my knees drew into my chest. Terrance probably thought that I'd made enough money to pay off the debt to Gus. I don't think I could bear to tell him otherwise.

The knocking on the door came again, increasing in urgency with each bang.

In truth, I currently owed money to three different people, one was a close friend of mine and was extremely lenient concerning paying back. He hadn't threatened me in anyway whatsoever. The other was Gus, who'd threatened to kill me. The thugs of the last man I owed were at the door right now.

He'd been at the casino last night and had seen me. We'd started to talk and, in my dazed condition, I had said that I was trying to get enough money to pay back Gus. The man, who was widely known as 'The Phantom' (real name Damien Dale), thought it was unfair that I was paying Gus back first. I stupidly told him that it was only because the deadline was shorter and the consequences were more severe. At this point, his thugs had dragged me into a backroom.

They had pushed me into a chair and held onto my shoulders. One thug stood on each side of me and two more stood by the door. The Phantom had started to laugh at my helplessness. I'm not going to lie, I had been shitting myself. I had nervously started to laugh along with him.

He had asked me what consequences Gus had threatened me with. I had obviously been a little more alert and cautious than I had preciously been, though I knew I had no choice but to tell him.

'He's going to kill me.' I had said. I should've known what would happen next. It shouldn't have come as a surprise.

'He'll kill you? Oh Jimmy!' He had started to guffawf at this. 'He'll kill you?!' He had repeated himself. 'Oh, lad, I'll tell you what,' he had pulled a gun out from the pocket in his jacket and pointed it at my head. I had stared down the barrel and all I could think was 'this is the end.'

I had begun to lose my grip on sanity at that point. I didn't have to fake it if I had wanted to. I hadn't wanted to die. I hadn't been focusing when The Phantom spoke again.

'I'LL kill you if you don't pay me back first! Does that sound fair?' He had laughed. The man was a nutter, a fucking fruit loop! I hadn't replied, I had been too focused on the gun aimed for the spot between my eyes.