The Inceptive Flame⎪✓

❨19❩

♀︎

Opening the front door to my house I let out a sigh of relief, my head is throbbing by how Dani and Will kept up their fighting. Elijah left before I did and Will decided to join us in the living room, they fought again and I was forced to sit through the torment of their constant yelling. My harsh words were no match to their disagreement, so I left the house after one torturous hour. We have school on Monday and I refuse to waste my precious weekend on them screaming right next to me. 

"Kota?" My dad calls from the living room, quickly removing my jacket and shoes I walk into the room. He is sprawled across the couch, his tall frame claiming the entire three-seated space. "Hey baby, did you have fun at Dani's?"

I scoff and throw myself on the other couch in front of him, "If by 'fun' you mean getting thrown in the pool only to sport a headache from their obnoxious fighting, then yes, I had lots of fun."

He laughs at me and I can't help but join in, "So the attitude is because of them, not because of your love interest?"

I sober up real quick and shake my head, "I don't have a love interest. If you happen to consider Elijah my love interest, then you're misinformed."

"You don't get to lie to me, Kota," He smiles and sits up, the action too hard for him so I quickly help him adjust and sit down again. "I saw how you were looking at him, and if you need to know, I accept his hand in your marriage. Is that not what one should say as a dad?"

I laugh with him, "No, dad. You're supposed to hate every guy I introduce you to."

"Well, what if I don't hate him? He seemed dope."

"Dope?" My laugh is even louder and my dad joins in. Hearing him laugh like that immediately improves my mood. "Never thought I would hear you say the word 'dope', but sure, why not?"

He smirks and nods his head at me, "I'm one of those youngsters, you know? Cool and all that. I even know all the lyrics to one of Eminem's songs."

"You do?" I'm shocked. "It's a dare then, let me hear."

He opens Spotify on his phone and the song starts spilling out of it, I know the song instantly. My dad throws hands and seems very 'dope', as he would say himself. My laugh bubbles over, even though the song should hurt my heart. 

"Have you ever loved someone so much you'd give an arm for. Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for-" He is spitting these words right along with Eminem, the sway in his body shows me that he really has been listening to the song on repeat. It's like seeing my dad healthy again, the glint in his eyes is memorable and I can't help but sway along, whistling at him. He smiles at my enthusiasm and keeps going with newfound energy. 

"But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you. And everything you stand for turns on you to spite you. What happens when you become the main source of her pain?" These words have an entirely different meaning for me and him now than they did three months ago. He clearly uses this song to talk to me, without directly saying the hurtful words. He is apologizing to me, hiding it behind humor and suddenly the pain is too much in my chest. The end of the song is nearing and my dad takes a break to catch his breath, his eyes look straight into mine as he sounds the last words.

"And when I'm gone just carry on don't mourn. Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice, just know that, I'm lookin' down on you smilin'. And I didn't feel a thing so baby, don't feel no pain, just smile back," His eyes are hurt, he is hurting. What should have been a fun moment turns into one filled with tears and I barely manage to catch mine, before they are falling down my heated cheeks in thick traitorous drops. Looking at the grey eyes of my dad, so identical to mine, reality suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks.  

I hurry into his embrace when he raises his arms, a tear caresses my cheek and lands on the corner of my lip, the salty taste awakes my senses and a rough sob shocks me to my core, followed by multiple others, every new one makes my gut wrench in pain for my dad. He is clutching me tightly as his weak body shakes in sorrow, "I don't want to leave you, Kota. But you need to recognize what is coming, I need you to let it out."

I hide my face in his shirt, allowing him to see how much it pains me, "I'm afraid, dad. I can't live without you."

He distances himself from me, grabbing my red cheeks in his cold hands he looks straight into my sorrowful eyes, "You can, you are so remarkably strong. I know this is so unfair, honey, and I wouldn't have wanted this for our family, but you can live without me, you have to."

"You're all I have left," I whisper as the tears fall aimlessly. "It's so unfair, dad. You don't deserve this fate, they just can't take you away from me like this."

"Kota," He chokes as he hugs me again. "There is so much good in your life, you have mom, Dani, Relly, maybe even Elijah. And I'm not gone yet, but you needed to have this moment with me. Trust me, this will be important for you to think back on."

"I love you, Dad," I cry, the pain very clear on my voice. "And when you go to heaven, you will never forget that your daughter adores you."

He squeezes me for a second, "I love you, my baby. It doesn't matter where I am, as long as you have me in your heart eternally. We're lucky to be able to say these words, a lot of people are ripped from their families. You and I get to cry together, we get to say these things with no regret. It's very important and it calms my heart, please know that."

I nod against his chest. He doesn't let go of me and we stay like this for what feels like hours, crying together and feeling frightful for ourselves that this is occurring to us. He cracks a joke or two to lighten the mood but never expects me to laugh and for that I am appreciative. 

I'm not ready for him to leave me, I have always been a daddy's girl, but he's right, we are lucky we get to say these words. The worst thing in this is how much pain he is in, it's seeing the strength leave his body day by day. He is slowly, but surely, being pulled away from me. His life is slipping through my fingers and I can't catch him, not this time.