The Inceptive Flame⎪✓

❨48❩

♀︎

A wrenching sensation in my chest makes it hard for me to breathe. Seeing the crowd fill up with excited family members wanting to hug their newly graduated kids, it provokes the emotions I have bottled up. Clutching my diploma to my chest, the paper crumbles under the pressure. My mind can't keep up with everything and I have to get away, this is too much for me. My own mother didn't even make it here, not that I would want to talk to her, but knowing that I at least still had a mother would have helped me. Now I know, I know she is long gone, she left me long before my dad did. 

"That's Dakota," A familiar voice breaks through the crowd, Tilly. "Why is she all alone, Eli?"

All alone. That's what I am, alone. Everyone left me. A cold sensation crawls down my back, a sudden pain in my gut, feeling as if someone is squeezing my organs with all their might. Clutching my stomach I hurry away from the crowd, not wanting to see any of them right now. My mind is too far gone to care about others. The reality is that I don't want to be here, I want to be with my dad. I shouldn't have left him at the hospital, he's probably already gone from his room. Maybe it's occupied by someone else now, not knowing how I have been in there sobbing for hours over my dad's body. 

Walking into the locker room, I rip the clothes off and hurry into my own again. My limbs feel ten times heavier than usual as I try to leave the school, it's painful how these steps are the last I will ever take in here. Reaching my locker, my hands move on instinct and open it, grabbing all the books and pictures of much happier times, I shut it again. Leaning my head against the cold surface, I try to breathe through the horrific pain tearing through my gut. 

"I feel like I've seen you standing like this before, love," His deep voice suddenly carries down the empty hallways. "But never in this much pain."

The last thing I need is to drag him into my mess, this is an important day and he needs to be out there celebrating with his loved ones. Lifting my head from the locker, I try to put on a brave face as I turn around to face him. His eyes burn into mine, time seems to stop and my muscles relax for a quarter of a second. He has changed to his black jeans and black t-shirt, the roughness to his look suits him.

"I'm tired, Lij," I lie easily. "My college wants me to join for early admission and I have to be ready by tomorrow, so I don't really have the time to be here, not now."

"I'm certain your college will still be there by tomorrow, Dakota," Him saying my full name almost breaks me, it's such a rare occurrence and I know he means every word he says. "Allow yourself to be happy you graduated the hallways of hell."

If only he knew...

"You really should join your family out there."

"My grandpa was tired so they left, you won't get rid of me that easily."

"I wasn't trying to."

"Yes, you were."

Taking a deep breath, I scoot down the locker and sit on the ground, Elijah follows suit. "Nothing is as black and white as people make it out to be, you know?"

"You're right," He nods his head, the four feet between us suddenly feels like so much more. "Do you expect me to act like nothing happened yesterday, love? Because I won't. You were scared, absolutely terrified, and now you're here but you aren't. Not really, anyway."

His words provoke a sharp breath out of me, "I'm here, Lij. These past weeks have been rough, this is me reacting to that."

He shakes his head sadly, "You and I have accepted each other's lies too much. I'm so sorry, but I can't do that anymore. You deserve to tell your truth, because keeping it bottled up inside is slowly killing you."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is!" He exclaims, the frustration is tugging at him. "It's unfair to you to keep it a secret, your struggles aren't only your burden. You have your friends, you have me, love. I won't give up on this. It's too obvious you're going through something and that you aren't talking to anyone about it."

Traitorous tears well up in my eyes and I stand up from the ground, he is slowly breaking me, "I'm fine, Elijah!"

He stands up as well, "It's okay to be sad, Dakota. You need to remember that."

"Stop!" I say and grab my head roughly in an attempt to control my emotions. My lips tremble and I bite them to stop it, this is too pathetic, he can't be the person I will break in front of! He is too important to me. Taking steps away from him, I hurry into a dark hidden corner of the school. His footsteps sound behind me, "Leave, please."

"Fuck no," He states and grabs my arm, turning me around he suddenly envelops me into his bigger frame. Hugging me with enough pressure to give off the illusion that he is gluing my pieces back together, it's only a matter of time before he lets go again. Leaving me to pick up the shards of myself, the shards that I'm scared I won't ever get back. 

I trust Elijah, so much it frightens me, but he is the one person in my life who looks at me like I'm normal. He doesn't cower away in a corner or hide from me intentionally, he is the only sane aspect of my life. Both of us know we won't work on our relationship, I don't need the distraction and after everything, I need to heal myself before I have the chance to be with anyone. A stinging in my heart tortures me as I think back to our conversation about me leaving for college.

That day is still etched into my mind, even as we stand here now. His arms around me and my hands tightly clutching at his shirt, he knows we have to keep a safe distance to ensure that none of us will hurt afterwards. It's too late for me though, I have never met a person who understands me like he does. He reads me like an open book and only pressures me if I truly need the push, like right now.  

My soul decides to torture me, as my dad's eyes flash in front of my mind. A sob rakes my body and Elijah hugs me tighter, the burden is too much for me. I'm all alone in this mess, with no one to turn to. 

"Love," He whispers. "Talk to me."

"He is gone, Lij," As I pull for oxygen and choke on a sob, he hushes me and leaves a small kiss on my temple. "He was forced to leave me, he didn't want to. He wanted to be here today, he wanted to hug me and smile at ridiculous photos. He wanted to see me grow into a woman, he wanted to become a grandpa. He wasn't ready to leave this life, but the cancer grew and there was nothing I could do about it. It was out of my control and now I won't ever see his eyes again, he won't ever play poker with me, he won't ever tell me I'm his biggest supporter. He gave me life and I had to watch it leave his eyes, do you know how fucking painful that is?"

Elijah knows that no words could ever soothe the pain in my soul, he knows that my dad is dead and he responds exactly like I need him to; He hugs me. Not the quick and friendly hug between barely strangers, he is hugging me with everything he has, he is hugging my body, my mind. Having him here and allowing my breathing to match his, this is what I need right now. Elijah knows what I need. He also knows that when we let go, we are done, we are done being flirty and we are done kissing, this is the last touch I will have of him and the last I will remember him by. 

Taking a deep breath I enjoy his muscular body pressed against my smaller frame, I burn it into my mind, having this to clutch myself to whenever I feel like drowning. Knowing that right now, in this moment, the world isn't crumbling underneath my feet. Right now, I'm just a girl hugging her crush, exactly like I need.