The Inceptive Flame⎪✓

❨50❩

♀︎

Smoothing down my simple black dress, I look at the white casket standing at the front of the room. The red roses are a stark contrast to the white. My feet drag themselves down the aisle, the thought of seeing him there scares me more than it should, squeezing the bouquet of white lilies in my hand I try to control my sweaty palms. I've been alone with him for an entire night after all and I need this, this is important for some sort of closure. In two days I leave for early admission and my dad needs to have a respectful service before that. 

Finally reaching his side, I admire his favorite suit from the closet at home. Since I picked everything up for the lawyers and grabbed my own clothes at the same time, I have been living in my dad's car. My eyes don't dare look at his face immediately, but as I take a deep breath I gain the courage look at him. His skin is ashen and his lips have turned a pale blue, he still looks asleep. I grab his stiff fingers and suddenly the reality hits me like a train. 

Giving him one last lingering glance, I leave the white lilies on the ground in front of his casket, the first bouquet of flowers for him and his life. Leaving his side and sitting down by the front row, I'm the only one in here. They asked me if I wanted an open casket and I don't. My dad deserves to be remembered for his healthy self, I want to grant his wishes. The priest closes his casket as the first people arrive, none of them talk to me, their heads are bowed down and I wonder if it's out of respect or out of fear of looking at me. 

Not giving them the time I turn towards my dad. Tears flow steadily down my raw cheeks, my immobile face as stoic as ever. My heart is empty and everything feels hollow. The stinging in my nose is intense as I wipe some of the tears away, it feels wrong to be crying while being this numb. I have cried for days, I have cried until there was nothing left but a raw emptiness that nibbled at my insides. 

The sobs coming from behind me are painful, they don't waver my tears, even though all hope is sucked out of my body as every limb feels ten times heavier. It seems that none of us want to say goodbye to a man this noble, he helped everyone. He helped the disadvantaged, not wanting to get anything in return. His heart was one of pure love and I really do respect that. My dad was loved throughout his entire life.

A person sits down next to me and my eyes meet the ones of Elijah, he gazes down at me with such understanding it almost touches at my heart. He hugs my body to his, leaving a simple kiss to my temple. He is amazing at this knowing what do to and how to act around me, having him here comforts me. Dani steps in front of me and as she hugs me I realize Brock is behind her. He hugs me quickly as well and tells me how sorry he is. Everyone is sorry for this loss, my dad was a gift to this earth and to my life.

"Where is Relly?" I ask her quietly, my voice hoarse from crying. 

She points to the back where Relly is, tears are streaming down her face, just like mine and Dani's. When she sees me she hurries towards us and throws her frail arms around me, crying into my shoulder. It was probably the worst thing having to tell them, they broke down in my arms and we cried for hours. None of them blamed me for keeping it from them for two days, they understood and appreciated me for it. Even though they said they hated that I had to deal with the pain alone. 

I didn't tell them about Elijah comforting me, him and I haven't talked since and seeing him here today was a shock, but I truly do appreciate him for it. Sitting down next to him, Dani and Relly sit to my right. These guys are my support system and I have to use that I have them here right now, in just two days I will be fighting for myself again. 

The priest stands and walks in front of my dad's casket, he looks down at me and I give him a small nod. He asked me earlier if it was okay for him to ask me when to begin, since my mom won't be showing up. I haven't seen her in what feels like forever even though it has only been days, I truly don't even want her here anyway. She refused to be there for him while he was still alive, she abandoned him long before this. 

As the priest begins the ceremony, I grab Elijah and Dani's hands. Clutching them tightly in my own, trying not to break down by all the memories he mentions. It breaks my heart to even think about them, but having another person say them to me, it hurts like hell. It hurts even worse because my dad wrote a segment to me, that the priest will read for me in the end. I can't handle doing a speech of my own today and my dad knew it, this is his way of avoiding the pressure on my shoulders. Once again he comes through with his compassion and consideration. 

Minutes pass as tears stream down my face, it hurts in my stomach, in my arms, in my legs, but not in my heart. My heart is numb, a certain type of emptiness that I have never encountered before. It's a numbness that evokes a stoic face and hollow mind, it's a numbness that crushes hopes and leaves me to suffer the consequences. 

"Dakota," The priests says and I'm suddenly very aware of his words. "Your dad had some words to say to you, he told me you would want him to keep it short, because he had a tendency to over-explain everything, right?" 

I don't answer, but he is right. 

"Your dad wants you to know how proud he is of you, he always has been. Your compassion for others, your loyalty to Dani and Relly. He is proud he managed to raise a daughter as lovely as you, it made his time on earth worthwhile. He actually told me, on multiple occasions, that he was the best at Poker between the two of you. Your dad wants you to remember him by your runs in the mud, he wants you to remember him by his amazing rap, and mostly he needs you to remember how much he truly loved you. And as he said, even though he had to fold on life, he still wants you to keep betting. Bet on the chances you get at a happy life, because that is exactly what you deserve. He loved you, Dakota, with his entire being."

As he ends the speech and gestures for the others to leave their roses on the casket, my mind is confused and stressed on how to feel. The slight reference to Poker will be appreciated when I look back on this day, but right now I choose to focus on the other aspects of the speech. My dad loved me with everything he had, just like I always will love him.

Elijah tugs me closer and allows me to cry on his shoulder, sobs torture my body as I grab a fistful of his shirt, desperately needing something to hold onto. The sounds of crying in the air breaks my heart, shatters it into a million pieces. This is officially the end of everything. The end of my dad and his life, the end of me living in Hetdale, the end of my relationship with my mother, and the end of Elijah and I's flirtationship. This is it. I'm now only myself, with no Dani, no Relly, no dad, no Elijah. I will have to heal myself and allow myself to mourn the tragic loss of the one person in my life that always understood. 

This is it.