The other Half of my Deen

Part 14

We both slept. I'm sure we both kept smiling the whole night. Yes, even when we were asleep.

Next morning we went and received mum and Omar form the airport.

And as Zaahir had promised, I joined university to do my masters in software engineering. I joined college in September and it was one month after the class actually started. I had a hard time making friends. I had to avoid unnecessary conversations with boys in my class. I used be alone and I wasn't really enjoying it as much as I thought that I would. I went home with a sad face and Nahida auntie asked me what had happened. But I couldn't say anything to her cause this is what I wanted. But she helped me a lot in those days. I cannot thank her enough. I thanked Allah for giving me such an understanding mother in law. She supported me as much as she could. She did all work by herself. I did less work here than there in my parents' house.

Zaahir came late from work sometimes. Forget about waiting for dinner I used to eat and sleep before he even came home. I used to study after fajr(around 6am) but that time he used to be tired and sleepy. So there was absolutely no time for us to talk. On weekends I either had a lot to study or I went to Ammi's house or he would have had to go out for work. The only time we met was when he used to drop me to the university. Even if we went out for dinner, we didn't enjoy it like before.

He never complained but I knew I was being a bad wife. We missed spending time with each other. Our marriage was 6 months old but the last time I remember when me and Zaahir were happy as a couple was when Nahida auntie went to Delhi.

But since I was the one who was so into studying, I wanted to at least finish this semester before I decide whether or not to continue studying.

The semester passed. It was almost a year of our marriage. But I was not happy at all. Zaahir was too good for me.

One day I talked about this to Ammi and she suggested that we should go on a holiday. On the last day of exam, Zaahir came to pick me after the exam. I was in tears. I didn't cry a lot but I was saturated now. I sat in the car but Zaahir hadn't noticed that I was crying. He was driving.

Zaahir: how did you do your exam?

Nausheen: good.

my voice trembled a little and he could hear me sob. So he stopped the car immediately on the side of the road and turned towards me.

Zaahir: what happened?

I kept weeping.

Zaahir: I'm not going to shout at you if you fail.

Nausheen: Allah na kare, Zaahir.

I let out a smile. He cups my cheek with his hand.

Nausheen: I'm so sorry. I haven't been a good wife at all. You're doing everything you can to keep me happy but I'm not even worth it.

Zaahir: it's ok. It's my duty to keep you happy and if you're happy I'm happy. It's just two years, we can do this. It's your dream. And I'm with you.

Nausheen: no! I don't want this anymore. I love you more than my dream. I cannot do this anymore.

Zaahir: it's ok. Then, don't do it. But please don't cry I feel like all my efforts are going into the drain. I'm trying all the time to keep you happy and you're still crying. It's such a shame on me.

And then I smiled

Nausheen: can I ask you for something?

Zaahir: yes. Anything you want.

Nausheen: let's go on a holiday. Me, you, mum and Omar?

Zaahir: okay! Mum wanted to go her sister's house in Dubai. Let's go to Dubai?

Nausheen: yes. Anywhere. Just somewhere.

Zaahir: ok ok.

We went to Dubai for about a week and when we came back I could feel the same bond between me and Zaahir like before. Every day when he came back from work I made sure I looked nice and I opened the door for him. With the brightest smile I could give.

Zaahir: this is the best gift ever.

Nausheen: what?

Zaahir: your smile. However stressed I am it releases all the stress.

I blushed and smiled at this.

I had started taking over all the household work. I and mum together did all work and she was very happy with me. And I was very happy too. She treated me like her daughter. I was living my biggest dream of getting married to the nicest boy and having the nicest mother in law ever.

It was a year of our marriage and I wanted to celebrate it. I had asked mum and called Ammi Abba home for dinner one day. I made all the food by myself. It was maghrib and I went to pray. I couldn't because I'd constantly feel fatigue and uneasiness. I went to mum's room and told her I'm feeling sick. I thought because I worked a lot today and I had never cooked for so many people before. Mum told Ammi Abba to come some other day and she took me to the hospital. She called Zaahir and told him I was sick. He told her he'd come to the hospital as soon as possible. After all the check-ups doctors told me that I was pregnant. I was very happy though we weren't planning to become parents anytime soon it was such a beautiful feeling. I and mum waited for about an hour for Zaahir to come, his phone was off and he had left office already. I was feeling worse in the clinic, so we had to go home. I was very tired so I slept.

When I woke up the door was closed and I could hear people cry. One of the voices was of mum's. I opened the door and peeped outside. Ammi and Abba were there. Abba was standing near the main door and Ammi was with mum who was weeping. I went to them and even Ammi started crying. I panicked. I went to everyone one by one and ask what's happening, I asked them all about Zaahir. First few seconds, nobody said anything. And then Abba held me with my shoulders and told

Abba: you please go rest. You're not well.

Nausheen: yes Abba. But please tell me what's happening? Where is Zaahir?

Abba: Zaahir won't come now.

He also started to cry.

Nausheen: what? What do you mean?

Abba: he passed away in a car accident.

Nausheen: what? No!

Abba: you please try to relax. You're not in a state to take this much stress.

I shout

Nausheen: I'm pregnant Abba!

Abba: I know beta. I know it.

Nausheen: he cannot leave me alone like this. It cannot be true. Zaahir is a very safe driver. He didn't even know that he's going to be a father.

Abba: you need to relax.

I kept crying for many days after that. I don't even remember exactly what happened. I don't even remember how long. The tears wouldn't stop flowing. Just now my life was getting better. I was very grateful to Allah. But it was over now. I was devastated. I couldn't imagine my life without Zaahir. I kept crying for a few weeks. And then the tears dried. There was no more weeping. There was anger and sorrow.