BatIM Steps of the Survivor

Chapter Eighteen

Jade made a slow and steady recovery from the anger side, allowing herself to breathe and process everything she had done and what had happened. Any time she was starting to get heated, she took a step back, taking a deep breath in attempts to calm down. She didn't want to hurt anyone who didn't deserve it further than she already had. Even those who did seemingly deserve her outburst... did they deserve such a big show of it all?

Her regrets and sorrows seemed to drag down at her rather quickly, causing a noticeable change in demeanor whenever it was brought up. It was almost agonizing to think about how she worried Boris so much by running off, or hurt him when she thought he had betrayed her. She realized now that he was only trying to help, only trying to create peace in the tense situation.

Now, however, was no time for regret. Now was the time to move forward, to set everyone free. This wasn't just about her and her friends anymore, it was about everyone. Preventing the hurt and death they would feel if these Trials were to go on, saving the trio from his grasp, and the one he so desired revenge upon. And it was all in their hands. In her hands.

The pressure quickly mounted itself atop her head, pressing down and crushing what was beneath it, like the world atop Atlas's shoulders. But she was no titan, the weight and gravity slowly bringing her to her knees, ever so painstakingly slowly, and vigorously she fought against that weight until she succumbed to the hopelessness that was defeat.

She laid on her bed, staring off into space with her wolf friend lying next to her. They remained silent, motionless, allowing merely each other's company to fill the void between them. After another minute, Jade snapped herself out of her meaningless staring and daydreaming to look at her canine friend. He looked back at her, giving her a soft smile, which grew as she petted the top of his head. Right between the ears, it was his sweet spot.

Now, much more than ever, she was grateful to have her canine friend. She knew someone would always have her back, even out on the surface, when no one else on the inside could. "I know I say this a lot," she started quietly, "but I have no idea what I'd do without you."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either," he replied, looking quite touched by her gesture.

She couldn't help but smile at him, but a doubt planted itself in her mind. It put itself thereafter the whole fiasco with finding out Joey was her father, and it wasn't just with Boris. With Norman especially, she wondered if she deserved forgiveness for what she had done, and an apology to him once more started eating away at her from the inside. The atmosphere on the inside seemed different, off somehow, with the introduction of the new fact and her violent, painful resistance toward it. It was easier to fall into an awkward, tense silence. Not even Sammy's music seemed to be able to solve it.

On bad days, this tension made her wish she could melt into a puddle, become invisible and never be seen again. On better days, though, it just made her feel more like an outsider than the sole survivor, the person furthest inside that lived to know the place and those within it. It was an awful feeling... and she didn't know the words to say to ease it.

Part of her wanted to avoid the studio, avoid the tension, but... where else would she go? It was either being stuck at home or going to the studio, as she didn't exactly want to mingle with many of the outsiders. They never could, never should understand what she went through. She wished with all of her heart and soul that she could just go back to a simpler time, back when life wasn't so riddled with tension... but would she want to go back to being unaware of the lies?

Questions were complicated, spinning through her head at a dizzying pace. It was better for the time being with her in this state to not let them get the best of her. It would likely lead to fewer answers that questions, anyway.