Who Is Lucas Ryker O'Riley?

7. FEARS

Recognizing that my body was trying to grow breast, I began to insist my mom make an appointment for me to see the family doctor for a check up.

I met with the doctor just a week before Easter break, and upon the conclusion of his checkup, he had some rather startling news for me.

He said that these changes could continue to progress, but since my case was so rare and unusual, he couldn't predict what the final outcome would be. He told me that even though these changes were not what I might have expected, or wanted, they were occurring naturally with the onset of puberty.

As we readied to leave, the doctor instructed me to notify him if there were any additional developments.

As you might imagine, the drive home from the doctor's office with my mom was one of the most awkward experiences of my young life.

For the most part, it was silent. I was deathly afraid that at any moment mom was going to start talki g about my boobs and what the doctor had said.

Well, it didn't take too long before my fear became a reality.

We were about halfway home and nearing the mall, when mom broke the silence and said we needed to stop at the mall.

I asked her what for and she told me we needed to buy me a bra.

"What, mom? No! Absolutely not, please," I begged. "I don't need a bra. That'll make them more noticeable. I'm trying to hide them."

"Sweetheart, the doctor said he doesn't know if they'll continue to grow or not, but I believe we have to expect they will. You won't be able to hide them forever. And when they get bigger you won't be able to bind them all the time, either. You'll end up hurting yourself."

"Well, I don't want to stop binding them yet, not until I absolutely have to."

"I suppose that's a compromise I can live with, but at the rate they're growing I'm afraid that'll only get you through the summer and maybe football season."

"Mom? What about surgery to remove them? Isn't that an option?"

"I suppose it's possible, but that's not a surgery I would want you to go through at this age. Maybe when you're older."

"We could do it over Christmas break, I'll be older then."

Mom chuckled, "Still not old enough. Sweetheart, look, you've got something going on with your body we don't fully understand yet and I don't want you making a  decision like that until we do better understand and you're able to make other decisions about your future."

At that moment, I didn't fully understand what she meant about other decisions, but I soon would.

Mom had pulled into the mall parking lot, and that's where our conversation took place. When the conversation was over, we didn't get out of the vehicle. Instead, she pulled out and continued towards home.

The conversation in the car went silent again and all I remember being said between the mall and home was my mom telling me again that everything would be alright and that her little football player was tougher than anything puberty could throw at him.

It was then that it hit me; how would this now change things and affect the friendship between Mandy and I.

I distinctly remember how agonizing it was dwelling on those thoughts the rest of the way home.

Summer vacation couldn't get here soon enough. I was so ready to not have to go to school every day and worry that someone was going to know. But that also meant Mandy would be wanting to spend more time with me. I couldn't avoid it, she would eventually start to notice that something wasn't right and want an explanation.

The thought of hanging out with her scared the heck out of me. I was so afraid of her noticing the changes.

How much longer would I be able to keep this all from her?

What did this mean for me that I was turning into a girl?

What if I didn't want to turn into a girl?

Could it really be stopped?

Why did this have to happen to me? Why?

What if I have to end up living as a girl?

I had so many fears and ten times as many questions.