i have learned
to take comfort
in the way
my stomach growls
for attention
when left
unattended to
for hours at a time
perhaps
it is because
i always feel so
full
that it feels nice
to finally
be empty
i'm not quite sure
when this association
of hunger and happiness
began, but
i remember
the eighth grade
i stopped eating lunch
no one
seemed to notice
so it clearly
wasn't a big deal
right?
no lunch
made skipping breakfast
a lot easier
and i discovered
that watching
the number on the scale
go down
made loving myself
a lot easier
ironic, isn't it?
that a sliver
of self-love
came from an act
of negligence
that my only
confidence
came from
something i would learn
to be insecure about
and now here i am
three years later,
constantly seeking out
new ways
to escape the meals
that i have grown
to be afraid of
just as i
am terrified
of weight gain
and yet lately
i can't seem to escape it
the rising number
on the scale
haunts my dreams
i try to focus on anything else
but i find myself pinching
at the fat on my legs
in the middle of class
i try to blame it
on my medication
abilify causes weight gain
but the guilt for every
single
bite
gnaws away at me
and i find myself
shaking
at the thought
of eating anything
ever again
but it's fine
because this
won't kill me
and everything
will be okay
once i finally
get skinny
won't it?
YOU ARE READING
SUNFLOWER BABY
Poetry"but we kept secrets from time, and I saw constellations in your smile . . . " [[ a series of poems ]]
