Will to Live

Acacea

Sleep danced far away from Adelaide that night and tears threatened. Late that night, Adelaide rose and pulled a robe around her. She tiptoed her way through the castle to the library. Perhaps she could drown her grief in a book. She pushed the door open and stepped inside. The big painting of Lutrud stared down at her, at once consoling and distant. The face felt familiar and warm and Adelaide paused a moment to study the young girl's face. The big eyes and sweet mouth betrayed nothing of what the girl in the painting was thinking and Adelaide wondered absently who her lover was.

"Oh! You scared me! I didn't see you come in!"

Adelaide jumped and spun around to see Everard's head peaking out from a big chair in the center of the room. She laughed and walked over to him, sitting in a nearby chair.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Same as you," Adelaide nodded at the small red book in his hand.

He smiled. "Couldn't sleep?"

"No."

"Me neither. Figured reading a little of the New Testament might help."

"The New Testament?" Adelaide's eyes grew big.

Everard grinned. "Want to hold it?"

Adelaide reached for it, grabbing it from him quickly and holding the book close to her face to inspect the letters more carefully. "This is amazing!"

"Glad you approve. Unfortunately, you lost my place."

"Oh. Sorry." She handed it back with a blush.

He laughed. "It's fine. I'm sure I'll find it again."

There was a long pause and only the wind outside and the creaking of bookshelves disturbed the silence.

"Do you have a favorite book, Adelaide?"

She shook her head. "No, I've hardly ever read anything. Never had much."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is there something you'd like to read?"

"Everything!"

He laughed. "Me too."

Another awkward silence descended. Adelaide broke it.

"How has your week been going?"

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "That's why I'm still awake. I've been up just thinking and wondering. A week isn't much time to really get to know anyone and I hate that I only get that long to decide who I'll be married to for the rest of my life."

"I didn't think most men cared who they married, as long as they could carry sons."

"I do. When you marry someone, you're married to them for the rest of your life. I don't want to be with just anyone."

Adelaide's eyes twinkled with mischief. "Who do you want to marry so far?"

He gave her a sidelong glance and sighed again. "I don't know. I don't think I'd get along with Matilda. Her sister is a very smart woman, but I don't want a wife who is smarter than me. Have to keep my dignity, you know. That leaves Katherine and..."

"Katherine seems really nice. I think she would make you a lovely wife."

He fixed his gaze on her for a long moment. "I--I don't know if she's the best choice for me."

"Who else would there be?"

He looked at her again, the answer in his eyes.

"No. No, please." Adelaide felt her smile fade.

"Ada, do you mind if I call you that?"

"No, I don't mind, but--"

"Look, from the first moment I saw you, I felt... different, somehow. You have to understand. I know you're not as strong as Matilda or smart as Ava or even as nice as Katharin, but I want you, Ada. I do."

Ada stood. "No, you don't understand! I can't!"

"And why not?" he stood too, holding out a pleading hand.

"I can't because..."

"Because?"

"Because I love someone else!" the words blurted out of her mouth. Her hand flew up as if to catch the words.

Disappointment flooded his face. "Oh. I see. But," his eyes looked more hopeful. "Maybe we could just break off the engagement if you decide you don't want me. We can at least try, can't we?"

Adelaide walked to the door. "Goodnight, Everard."

"I know who my choice will be, Ava."

She paused, an answer coming to her mind just before she left. "Katharine? I think she would be perfect."

She wrapped her arms around her stomach and cried as she walked back to her room. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Crying. Her heart fluttered like a dying bird. If she was chosen, who knew what would happen. If her father was still alive, Herzog Reikhoff would kill him, no question. Marrying Everard might even start a war between the two herzogs. She didn't want blood on her hands. If she married Everard was too unpredictable. There would be too much risk. And yet. There was that sense of freedom being so close to her fingertips. Here, she would be close to Emnilda. Here, she would have people who loved her. Here, she would be free of her problems.

Adelaide sighed. It was no use. She had to go back. The risk was too great--for everyone involved.

She fell into her bed, exhaustion pummeling her into unconsciousness.