Will to Live

Heartsease

Adelaide woke with a sense of dread the next morning. She had managed to sleep the whole night in the bed, but her dreams had been as harsh and unforgiving as the bed was soft. She stared at the ceiling, weighing her options. She hadn't been chosen. She couldn't stay here. That left two options: run or go back. If she ran, she would be free of all of this. She and Emnilda could go far away from here and make a new life for themselves. They could buy a farm and work it together. Or they could stay in a town and Emnilda could continue with her future as a healer. Adelaide might find a husband and get married. Maybe settle down with some children. Adelaide smiled a smile that didn't reach her eyes. Two things held her back and one was worth more than her own life. She had to go back. If she didn't, a civil war would definitely start. Herzog Reikhoff would probably send men after her to kill her anyway if she didn't return. To return would protect her people. It might also give her father a chance to escape. In spite of her anger toward him, Adelaide could not find it in herself to abandon him.

To return, however meant hard, dark things. It might afford her father an escape. It would prevent a civil war. But it would most definitely ensure her own death. A deep coldness wrapped around her at the thought.

She sighed and rose with a new determination. She had to go back and face Death himself. She threw her head back, squared her shoulders and selected the most serviceable dress she had--the black. A fitting color. The color of mourning. No one else would mourn her so she must mourn herself.

She seated herself at the tiny desk in the corner and pulled out a piece of paper and a quill.

Matilda,

This is my last letter to the world. There is no return from where I am going. I find it a hard thing to leave just now. I have truly enjoyed my time here. I feel that it is my finale. With the last week, I have bid the world adieu and now I go on to what I do not know. My future is unsure at best and I cannot find in myself the audacity to run from the inevitable. To run would only ensure death, both my own and that of many, many others. So, with a heavy heart, I taste my last draught of the sweet wine the world has offered me and give it back. I will soon drink a bitter cup, but drink it I must. It is a poison to me. Oh, that I could refuse it! That I could withdraw from society! That I could cease to exist! Time and fate are inexorable. "Go!" they say. "You must obey our will." I bow my head, knowing they are right. Resignation to my fate will save the lives of others. It is for them that I must surrender everything I hold dear.

My heart was once captured by a fair boy of my own age. Even now, I pine after him. I feel his presence and I see his face everywhere. Dear Matilda, you must understand! We were to be married! Married! My father had promised me. I had promised myself. He had promised himself. And in one morning, all was changed. I had given him my heart. I watched him dash it to pieces and laugh. He took all I had for himself and left me with nothing. He took my own father away from me and sent me away to live among strangers. I learned to work with my hands. I learned what it means to be a commoner. I learned the meaning of hard work and poverty. I learned to survive. And I learned to love that. I loved the smell of the fresh earth. I loved the way the dirt curled up around my hoe. I loved the way the green plants burst out of the dark earth. I loved the feeling taht I had accomplished something.

Please understand, Matilda. I unburden myself to you with this letter. I do not need rescue or help. I simply need a friend now. I feel that you are the closest I have to that friend here in this place.

I long so to run away. I wish to leave and never return. The life of a commoner appeals to me. I must deny it, I must! Forgive these tears, Matilda. You cannot understand what it is that I must give up. I must surrender my own sister to her fate. I must surrender all of my friendships. I must surrender my father. I must even surrender my own life. I do so with the comfort of knowing that it will avert a civil war.

Yes, a civil war. There are powers moving behind the scenes that I cannot speak of, but if I do not surrender, they will orchestrate a civil war. I cannot risk the lives of my people! My own life is nothing in comparison to those of the people I have come to love.

I fear I have said too much. My heart is wrung out. What more have I to live for? My life endangers others. My death will free them. I must go. I must. I fear I lack the courage. I must depend on God Himself for the strength to carry this out. Goodbye, goodbye, dearest friend! Thank you for your words of comfort after the death of my sister. Thank you for your friendship.

I hope to remain in this life and the next

Your Friend

Pfalzgrafin Adelaide of Lundhoffe

There was a knock and Adelaide called for them to enter. Ursilda entered and wordlessly began to help Adelaide pack. The dresses made their way back into the chest. When it was closed, she sighed and looked at Adelaide.

"Well, Pfalzgrafin, I suppose this is goodbye. The men will be up soon to take your trunk."

Adelaide smiled at her, blinking back tears. "Ursilda, this isn't terribly proper of me, but--" She wrapped her arms around Ursilda impetuously.

"Oh! Oh! Pfalzgrafin! Why! Oh!" Ursilda gently pushed her away. "No, that was not proper. I appreciate the gesture, but I'd much rather say goodbye properly."

"Well, then, goodbye, Ursilda. I thank you for your kindness and care of me."

Ursilda smiled. "I actually enjoyed it."

Adelaide smiled back. Spies everywhere.

Ursilda quietly exited and Adelaide returned to the desk to write one more small letter.

Everard,

Thank you for everything this past week. Please extend my thanks to your father. It has been a wonderful week due to your wonderful hosting. I truly appreciate all that you have done for me and I wish you well with Katharin.

Please extend my well wishes to her as well. I truly enjoyed meeting her, though we talked but little.

I must reveal something here that must be kept secret until the time is right. Don't worry, you'll know when that time is. In my travels, I have learned that my father is not quite the virtous and upstanding man that I had grown up believing he was. To my disappointment, I have found that he has had at the very least two other children by another woman and probably countless others. I have met them both. One has since passed away. This is the sister I told you about after the ball. Her name was Evonna. Her sister's name is Emnilda and currently she resides with the healer. She is the friend that I spoke to in the village. She cannot know that you know who she is unless it is absolutely necessary.

Thank you again, Everard, for all you've done. I look forward to remaining

Your Friend,

Pfalzgrafin Adelaide of Lundhoffe