Hearts and Heels

11 // in which jen finally releases the cracken

          My heart skips a beat when I’m looking at him. Time stops, and I can’t move. However, everything inside me is moving . . . rushing. I feel the adrenaline going everywhere, blood rushing up to my cheeks and neck, and butterflies erupting in my stomach. And I realize how much I’ve missed this. How much I’ve missed feeling like this—to feel all sorts of things when you just look at him once and he’s the only person you see.

          And the way he’s looking at me now gives me the thinking that he somehow feels the same way, too. But I stop myself before I get carried away, because I remember that he’s engaged and getting married to another woman in less than a week.

          I swallow harshly, and wipe all emotion from my face—something I’ve been doing a lot these days. “Seth,” I call his name nonchalantly as though it doesn’t affect me, “what are you doing here?”

          “I . . .” he trails off, his eyes big and innocent, “I don’t know, Jen. I don’t know.”

          My shoulders slump and I stare at him closely. And just like last time I saw him outside Bingo when I told him I’m dating Joshua, he looks equally tired and bad. I’m not sure what to say even. Should I be happy he’s here? Or should I be brushing him off? I can’t even think properly when he’s right in front of me. God, Jen, put yourself together.

          After licking my lips, I state, “You’re not supposed to be here.” Of course, that’s the only thing I can think of right now. Great.

          As though he expected that, Seth instantly replies, “I know. I know. I just . . . I, myself, didn’t even realize that I was walking to this place until I rang the bell. I think—I think we still have some things to talk about.”

          Do you want me back? I want to ask, but I stop myself before that happens. I’m supposed to hate him. I told him I hate him. I can’t ruin that. Instead, I ask nonchalantly, “What are you talking about?”

          “I’m talking about us,” he starts, his eyes softening. “You know that I broke up with you, and that I’m at fault for everything I did to you, right?”

          I press my lips together tightly, ignoring how my heart clenched at the memory before replying, “Just get straight to the point.”

          “If you know that, then . . . why do you blame Melanie but not me for all of this?” he asks, his eyes now piercing in mine. His gaze isn’t fierce, but they’re intense, completely concentrated on mine, desperate for an answer. And I’m not sure if that’s relieving or not. “I know what happened between you two in Lava Java when she came to apologize to you.”

          “She didn’t come to apologize. She came to shove it in my face.”

          “No, that wasn’t her intention to—”

          “You don’t know her like I do,” I reason, my throat tight. “I know how she’s like, and what she wants, and what her goals are. I know her in and out, because she was my best friend ever since kindergarten. And I know damn well that she’s just doing this, because she was jealous that I used to be that girl who had everything.”

          Seth shakes his head, a look of determination to prove me wrong etched all over his face. Running a hand through his dark bland hair, he responds, “No, it’s not like that. Like I said, she never planned any of this.”

          I shut my mouth for a second, and watch him. It pains me to see how much passion he has to defend his fiancée. So much that he’s willing to even go against me. It pains me so much that I have to pretend that I don’t love him when he’s just right in front of me, arguing about another girl he’s planning to live with for the rest of his life.