⇾ 𝐈𝐓'𝐒 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 | 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐋𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐧 𝐈𝐈

Chapter Twelve: You Thinking About Cuffing Me, Then?

February 28, 1964

"Donna, what's wrong? Why won't you say anything?" I asked frantically, running over every possible reason she could be so upset. I'd never seen such a mixed look in her eyes. I'd never seen so much fear. It scared me.

"John, I had to go to the doctor today," she said finally, her voice dripping in sorrow, high-pitched like she was trying again not to cry.

My stomach sank. I didn't know what was wrong, but I had an uneasy feeling sitting deep inside me. "What happened? Is everything alright?"

She nodded. "Yes, everything is fine. I just—." She untangled herself from my arms and sat facing me, her legs crisscrossed and her back against the armrest. "I was—y'know—late. I thought that I was—."

"—Pregnant?" I finished horrifically. She looked down at her hands. They were resting in her lap. They were shaking. She was so scared. "But you're not?" I asked. "Right?"

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. "No, I'm not."

"So, that's good? What are you worried about? I'm not mad."

She shrugged. "I dunno," she said. "The idea didn't seem—."

"You can't be serious, Donna," I said, stopping her frantically before she could continue.

"Of course I'm not," she snapped. "Us having a family is preposterous, isn't it, John?"

I sighed. "No, I didn't mean that—."

"No, you did." Silence took the throne in the room. "But, it's okay," she then said, her voice stung. "I'm not. We can forget all of it and go back to normal. It's no big deal."

"No, Donna, it is a big deal. You're seriously thinking about this now?"

"No, I'm not." Her voice was still flat, stubborn, and emotionless. I sometimes couldn't believe her. "I'll never put the idea on the table ever again, don't worry."

"Were you hoping you were?" I asked hesitantly, not able to fully understand what had suddenly come over her.

"No, I wasn't," she said. "I was scared out of my mind. I was scared to even tell you that I wasn't. But, I got to thinking on the way in that maybe even if I wasn't ready that we could at least figure it out together and I'd have you. I suppose I was wrong in assuming that?"

"No, no, of course you aren't," I said quickly. "I'm sorry, love, I just must have phrased myself wrongly."

"No, John, tell me," she said seriously. "Is that never a plan for you?"

Wow, she really had to put me on the spot like that, didn't she?

"Well," I said evenly. "Perhaps some time after marriage, you know. Now is just a little too soon, y'know?"

She nodded, but her face broke into a grin. "You said marriage," she said amusedly. "You thinking about cuffing me then?"

I laughed to hide my embarrassment. "I dunno," I said challengingly. "Maybe sometime soon." I winked playfully. She giggled in approval.

"But, wait," I added. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I asked. "When I came to see you? You said nothing was wrong."

"Nothing was wrong then. I only realized it at lunch."

"Did you have to go alone? Why didn't you come and get me to go with?"

"Because I-uh-of course, I didn't know," she said, her voice taking the tone that it did when she was starting to have a panic attack: a sound I recognized more than I should, quick words that came faster with each second, frenzy coming into the picture. "I didn't want to worry you if it was nothing...and it was. It would have just been a waste of your time." She put a hand to her mouth to keep from crying out. I scooted towards her and put my arms around her. She didn't react. She just cried quietly to herself.

"Love, I'm so sorry that happened. Don't freak out. It's all okay. And, hey," I said calmingly. "Even if you had been pregnant, I wouldn't have been upset. I'm always here for you. I always will be."

I felt her arms settle around me then, her grip tight, almost suffocating. I didn't mind though. I ran my hands up and down her back comfortingly.

"Did you have to go alone?" I asked.

She shook her head against my chest. "No, Jane came with me."

I heard Paul's door open down the hallways and she pulled away from me and wiped her eyes. Paul looked at us confusingly, a tired look on his face. The phone rang next to the couch. The three of us looked at each other, each of our faces saying, "Are you gonna get that?" Finally, Paul sighed and picked up the phone. Donna and I watched him blankly and after a moment he smiled.

Donna nudged me and I turned to see her looking at me timidly. "Can we get something to eat?" she asked. "I lost my lunch." She grinned crookedly.

I nodded. "Of course we can."

Paul put down the phone after a moment. "Jane's coming over," he said flatly.

"We're going out," replied John.

Paul winked at him. "Stay out as long as you'd like."

I saw Donna roll her eyes out of the corner of my eye. "You guys are unbelievable," she said.

"And you look like you're a train wreck," Paul retorted. I gave him a warning look

"Thanks for that. I really needed it," Donna responded to him.

Paul nodded his head and gave a smile. The urge to hit him was almost irresistible. He turned around and went back towards his room.

"Whenever you'd like to go," I said to her.

She smiled gratefully. "Thank you," she said.

"For what?" I asked amusedly.

"You can be such a prick sometimes," she said with a laugh. "But you're always there for me and I'm so thankful for that."

I laughed. "It's only because I love you," I said teasingly.

She kissed me on the cheek and stood. "Two seconds and we'll go. I'm starving." She scurried off towards our room and I leaned my head on the back of the couch and watched her until she was gone with a smile.

I really did love her. I had the sudden urge to do something rash to really show her that.