THAT ATTACHMENT

CHAPTER 4: I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR IT

Sidharth was all silent. Shehnaz was losing all her hopes now.She said again, " Sidharth". This brought Sidharth back to the reality. He still had no idea. He did not expect it so soon but deep down wanted it. He realised how close they were standing and suddenly jerked her off.

Shehnaaz was shocked. She said, " Kya hua Sidharth? Tujhe acha nahi laga kya? " and held his hand. "Bol na bebu Hua kya hai"

Sidharth broke the eye contact and looked down. " I don't know. Look shehnaaz whatever you are trying is not possible. You have misunderstood the things. " He was still looking down. He couldn't look into her eyes. He so wanted to say a Yess but there was something stopping him from doing so. He himself didnot know what it was! He continued, " I have always been protective for you and cared for you a lot. I think that you have taken it for love. I feel nothing more than what a friend feels for one friend. I am sorry but this is the only truth. I don't think that I am ready for it. "

Each word was a dagger which Shehnaaz felt she was stabbed with. Each word was breaking her more. He still could not look into her eyes as he didnot have the courage to and also was broken just as her. Shehnaaz had already made up her mind but as always it didnot help her. Tears were continuously fo wing down her cheeks. She said, " Dekh agar yeh hai Toh thik hai Lekin sirf Ek baat bata de ki yeh phir 6 Mahine Kya tha Sidharth? Woh hugs, kisses and cuddles.. Tere liye yeh sab Bohot normal hoga but mere liye nahi hai. Humare idhar yeh sab friends mein nahi hota hai Sidharth. "

Sidharth said, " Oh please Shehnaaz, whatever we had was quite normal. That's actually not a big deal. " He himself know how stupid his answer was.

Shehnaaz was very hurt by now. Her tears were not stopping. She asked with a very heavy heart, " Sidharth do you share the same relation with all of your female friends? Have you been so close to all of them? Have you kissed them the way you have kissed me? What is stopping you? There's something wrong". She cupped his face and said to him, " Kya baat hai baby bol na please. "

Sidharth again jerked her hand off. He knew that if he stayed there even for a minute, he would break down too. He said, " I am sorry, I need to leave". Having said this he left her place silently crying and cursing himself for what he said and leaving a broken Shehnaaz there.

He very well knew what she was going through. He was going through the same pain. He so wanted to hug her and console her but he was helpless. He just couldn't. How would he face her?

Shehnaaz was very hurt. She was crying continuously. She was lying on the floor like a corpse. The fear of losing him was horrifying. She had told herself that she would be fine with him not loving her that same way but she was not so strong that she could bear that heartbreak.

Sidharth on the other hand wanted to cry his heart out. He wanted to cry loudly forgetting about the surrounding. He just wanted to escape from this situation. He himself had planned to tell her what he felt but why was it when Shehnaaz confessed that he denied? There were innumerable questions in his mind. He always showed how strong he was and even Shehnaaz used to put on a smile to hide her pain but he knew what they meant to each other and what turmoil she must be facing. He has been in the parking of her apartment for an hour now. He decided to go back home. There was thought it his mind to see Shehnaaz once but how could he face her after doing such a blunder? He sat in his car and drove back to home.

His eyes were red because of crying for long. He wanted to divert his mind from all of this. He turned the radio on and the song played.

Tu sab janda ae
Main chad ni sakdi tainu
Taan hi taan ungallan te
Roz nachauna ae mainu

Agle janam vich allah
Aisa khel racha ke bheje
Mainu tu bana ke bheje
Tainu main bana ke bheje

Shehnaaz was lying on the floor. It was 11 in the night and she turned on the radio in her phone. It was the same song that was playing in Sidharth's car also. Both Sidharth and Shehnaaz were in immense pain. Shehnaaz could feel herself the one in the song beause of the proximity they shared was not normal and now this was the thing she was getting in return. The closeness which they shared was not how just friends stayed.

She seriously felt like she was thrown away after having used properly. She could have still thought to understand Sidharth but he was too rude. She, I for the first time felt so unworthy. She, I for the first time in life list all her self confidence. She, I for the first time doubted herself. She for the very first time I'm life hated herself for not being the version of herself which Sidharth wanted her to be. She surely misunderstood Sidharth a bit was even she wasn't wrong. It was very natural to feel so. She felt rejected. She was helpless.

Ve fer tainu pata lagna
Kiven pitta jandae paani khara khara
Ve tu mainu chad jaana
Gallan teriyan toh lagda hai yaara

Sidharth was listening to the song and felt as if those words were for him. He for the first time hated himself for not expressing. He had hurt hurt her again for the nth time. He does not know why he escapes from the reality. He does not understand why he always ends up hurting the one whom he loves. Why can't he not accept? Maybe it is the fear of getting cheated once again. Maybe the fear that someone plays with his emotions and feelings once again alerts him everytime and he stops. He knows very well that Shehnaaz would never do that as she's not of that type but how can he forget the number of times he broke because of investing so much in things when people eventually left him. He looked like a very tough and a happy man by appearance but deep inside he has always been a lonely and a broken soul.

Never it was that someone understood him or even tried to do so but now he had Shehnaaz. Shehnaaz had understood him and she was the one who gave him all the happiness. Now when he has got that peace back and the love she showers on him makes him fear that he would lose it. Was it that which stopped him from confessing? Was he scared that he would lose her as a friend also if he confessed? Not that she had confessed then why did he not? There were a lot of things going on in his mind.

He had been thinking about it all the way and suddenly........