Matters of the Heart

Chapter 0.22

|| Madison ||

Last night was not good.

And I'm not just talking about my run-ins with Karlien and Calum's stupid ex-girlfriend.

When we'd arrived home from the party, Calum and I made do on the idea of settling in the den and watching To All The Boys I've Loved Before and sating ourselves with sweets.

In the middle of the night, I had woken up abruptly because of a nightmare which led to me having a panic attack. Calum was sleeping in my bed though so he was there and he helped me get through it and then lay awake with me until I gave in to exhaustion and fell asleep.
The nightmare I had was one of Karlien just hurling her ugly words at me while I was trying to get away from them and her.

What she said to me last night was weighing heavily on my conscience and the more I thought about it, the more I believed they were true.

"A mind like yours is unpredictable and you shouldn't put people in its path, Madison."

Those words pierced my mind throughout the night.

God fucking knows I didn't want to believe her or take her words to heart, but I couldn't help it.

She's right. My mind is a mess. A very unpredictable mess. My depression and anxiety do their own thing and sometimes I have no control over it. And if I can't control it then who the fuck is going to be able to? Definitely not Calum, no matter how many times he's said he would try, and he's one of the only people who fully understands so if even he can't then I'm completely fucked.

"Mads? Madison?" Calum's voice intercepted my thoughts, bringing me back to reality.

"Mmh?" I hummed. "Did you say something?"

"I was asking you if you're actually planning on eating something or if you were just going to be zoned out the whole time," He said to me. "I know that after last night that this is probably a shitty question but I still feel the need to ask you, are you okay?"

The sincerity in Calum's eyes had me wanting to cry but I held the tears back and nodded. "I'll be fine, lief."

"You will be fine," He said, finding the loophole in my sentence. "So you're not fine now," He frowned.

I sighed. "I'm sorry, lief. Last night was rough okay and I'm just not feeling it this morning," I told him honestly.

"Last night as in the run-in with Isabella or your nightmare?" He asked, abandoning his breakfast and sliding into the seat next to me.

"Nightmare," I answered. I could give less of a fuck about his stupid ex-girlfriend. Karlien's words on the other hand... "And I'm sorry again for waking you up."

"I told you not to be sorry about that," He said and then wrapped his arms around me. "You know that I'm always here if you need me, even if you have to wake me up in the middle of the night, sweetheart."

"I really don't know what I did to deserve you," I murmured against his chest.

"What do you say we go out for a bit? I think you could use a bit of cheering up," He said.

"What do you have in mind?" I asked with a small smile.

He looked thoughtful for a second. "How about ice-skating?"

"I don't know how to ice-skate," I told him.

"Would you be up for learning?" He asked.

"Will you hold my hand and make sure I don't fall?" I asked him.