What He Never Said ✔️

chapter twenty-four • anxiety

"Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far."
- Jodi Picoult

On the car ride to Gemma's place, I replay Raelyn's words in my brain, analyzing them like a detective on a case. The first two videos were so innocent, so cheerful. The third, however, took a dark turn.

He's a monster, but everyone thinks he's this perfect man who can do no wrong.

If she was talking about Golden Boy Benson, which I'm positive she was, why didn't she say his name? Why did she make the files password-protected? Was she trying to protect him?

I still have more questions than answers when we arrive at my sister's apartment complex. We're greeted by Levi, who looks almost as shaken as I feel. The roommates exchange a series of worried glances, as if they're communicating telepathically. They remind me of Winter and myself sometimes.

"What happened tonight?" Gemma asks him. "I heard something about Alyx getting an abortion?"

Alyx is getting an abortion?!

"Oh, she wanted to," Levi responds. "She screamed at Benson for an hour on the phone and then begged me to drive her to Planned Parenthood."

Wait, has Alyx been staying here?!

"And did you?" Gemma demands.

Levi's blue eyes widen in disbelief. "No way! I'm not getting in the middle of that. This is some straight people drama I want no part of."

"Where is she now?"

"In your bedroom. She cried herself to sleep about an hour ago."

"Guess I'm taking the couch tonight," Gemma groans.

"I would have offered her my bed, but she's your guest," Levi replies with a smile and a pat on Gemma's shoulder. "On that note, goodnight!"

God, I'm so confused. What is going on?!

As soon as Levi disappears into his bedroom, my sister literally pushes me onto the couch. "Start talking," she orders, her hands on her hips, an I-mean-business look in her humorless eyes.

"You really want to do this here? Like, right now?" I question her.

"Yes, right now. I'm an investigative reporter, remember? I'm kind of a truth junkie."

"This might be more truth than you can handle."

"Bowie," she murmurs, "whatever it is, just tell me."

I exhale. I might as well rip off the band-aid, right? "I think I know what Raelyn was talking about in the video, but you're not going to like it."

She stares at me, waiting for me to continue, but I'm frozen. The words won't come out.

"Hey, can you talk to me?" she says, visibly impatient.

"I... I'm sorry. I've just never actually told anyone this before," I admit, wrapping my arms around my queasy stomach. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Her lips part into a kind smile. "I'm your big sister. You can tell me anything. You know that."

"If only it were that simple," I mumble under my breath.

Before either of us can say another word, Gemma's cell phone rings. She reaches into her purse to locate the device before rolling her eyes.

"I'm so, so sorry, Bowie," she says. "I should probably take this. I'll be right back, okay? I won't be gone for more than five minutes."

Gemma steps outside to take the phone call. I lie down on the couch, waiting for her to return. She promised to be back in five minutes. I can sit tight for five minutes.

Of course, five minutes turns to ten, then fifteen. I'm not typically this impatient, but my anxiety is causing me to feel physically ill. I need some fresh air before I vomit all over Gemma and Levi's carpet.

I exit the apartment, make my way outside, and fill my aching lungs with oxygen. Already, I feel better, like the walls aren't closing in on me.

Across the parking lot, I spot my sister. She's standing in front of a sleek Mercedes.

Benson's Mercedes.

The two of them are leaning against the car, deep in conversation. He must have been the one who called her. I guess it's no surprise that she would abandon me to go chit-chat with Golden Boy.

I pull up my hood and sneak around to the other side of the building. Once in the clear, I take out my phone and call the only person who I know could help me right now.

"Bowie?" she answers on the first ring. "It's late. Is everything okay?"

"Zayna...." My voice breaks. Tears fill my eyes as I think about this evening's events.

God, I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.

"Baby, it's gonna be okay. Just talk to me. What happened?"

"I.... I don't know. I just wanted to hear your voice," I whisper.

"Do you want to come over?"

"Yes," I answer quickly. More than anything, I want to see Zayna. "I'm at my sister's place right now. It's a long walk, so I probably won't be there for a while."

"Text me the address. Shamus and I will pick you up."

"Okay," I agree. "And, Zayna?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For everything."

<>*<>*<>*<>*<>

A tan Toyota Corolla with a dented back bumper, two missing hubcaps, and a plethora of noticeable scratches pulls over. I see Zayna waving from the passenger seat, a concerned expression on her flawless face. I abandon my spot on the curb and climb into the backseat of the beater car.

"Hey, babe." Zayna turns around so she can loop her fingers through mine. She doesn't ask me what's wrong. She doesn't try to implore me for an explanation as to why I called her in tears at eleven o'clock at night. She just holds my hand.

Despite all of the darkness and family drama that has consumed me since the day Zayna and I met—hell, since the night I overheard my brother assault a girl in our bedroom—she's been there for me. Anyone else would have been scared away, but not her. She's stronger and more compassionate than she gives herself credit for.

Shamus takes the scenic route back to Poppy's. When he finally pulls up in front of the diner, it's almost midnight. He puts the car in park, turns off the ignition, and looks back and forth between me and his sister.

"So... is someone gonna fill me in on what's going on?" he asks, eyeing both of us suspiciously.

"Bowie's been dealing with some family stuff," Zayna tells him. "Can he stay at our place tonight?"

Shamus is silent for a moment. The words "family stuff" must get to him, because he finally nods his head and says, "Fine, but if I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of you two doing it, I'm gonna set myself on fire. Understood?"

"We understand perfectly. Thanks, Shamus." Zayna leans forward and kisses him on the cheek, then turns to me and flashes a breath-taking, light-up-the-room type of smile. "Wanna make a pillow fort tonight?"

"Honestly, nothing in the world would make me happier," I reply, feeling the stress of today leave my body and disappear like a cloud of smoke.