Jimmy's crush

05

Lose

It was fun to mesmerize those memories. Yet, it was tiring to do repeatedly if that someone will not see or appreciate your hard work for doing those stupid stuffs. It makes me a month doing nothing for Reagan. It's like I lost my courage to that anymore.

As time goes by, I become popular among the boys at school. The former Jimmy Nam Fontana who didn't want everyone's attention, but now everyone's eyes were on me. It's a bit awkward, but I'm also happy with such an event. And at least there is progress on my own. But there seems to be something missing.

I also try to change my appearance by wearing contact lenses, braces and whitening my skin. After that English drama club thing, Teacher Anne hired me again as drum majorette on sports day.

“I want you to be a drum majorette as representative of our school” Teacher Anne told me the other day.

I just noticed that Teacher Anne always teased me. I don’t know why she just keeps taking me lightly.

It's just amazing because, it seems like she trusts me so much all of a sudden. In the past, she always told me that I am so inky, that no one who's willing to their girlfriend. She's not bullying me, I just accepted that for a long time.

So, here I am now extremely practicing in majorette even though I don't know anything about it. I stumbled countless times, been injured in the majorette, even on Saturdays and Sundays I have practice, I rarely hang out at our house because I'm usually at school preparing for the upcoming sports day.

While I was a drum majorette at the school parade, Reagan joined the soccer team as a striker. When the sports day ended, I breathed a sigh of relief. I can finally sleep well.

As time goes on, my feelings for Reagan get worse. Before I just wanted him, but now I love him. What used to be enough has become lacking for me. What used to be okay is not okay with me.

A few months later, Reagan and I became close when his best friend Sebastian Jimenez arrived. I was in grade nine when he was in grade ten.

“Jimmy, I really, really like you. Please give me a chance to prove that to you” Sebastian confesses to me.

I was shocked when he confesses his feelings to me. I refuse to answer him to avoid risks of hurting Reagan's best friend, but Sebastian's takes that as an acceptance.

Next morning, he asked me to go to the football match to see Reagan's play. After that match, I was waiting to Sebastian in the swimming pool area when Reagan suddenly arrived.

He was still carrying his DSLR. I was suddenly embarrassed by his presence. Even though Sebastian and I were always together. He still has my gaze. My attention is still on him. He still is from then until now.

I moved to give him a space to seat.

“Where's Seb?” he asked me while looking at his DSLR.

“Ah, he's in the library. He took a book for me” avoidance I think an answer to him.

I'm already jealous of your DSLR, Ramirez, you always look at it. I hope you can also look at me that way you look at your DSLR.

My lips twitched as I looked somewhere. Avoiding to look at him. I felt him stand beside me. By simply seating him near me, it makes my heart pounded.

“I hope I have a girlfriend too” he said to me which made me look away from him.

That means he wants me to be his girlfriend? Shot! Stop that Jimmy! You are not the one he wants to be his girlfriend. He just said he wanted to have a girlfriend, he didn’t say he wanted you to be his girlfriend. She clarified herself.

Before I can say anything back to him, we've been interrupted by Sebastian presence.

“Jimmy, I can't find the book you're looking for. Come join me” smiling he said to me.

I got up and went to where he was, and together we walked out of the swimming pool area.

I went home thinking about what Reagan had told me. What could he mean? I fell asleep thinking of our conversation with Reagan.

The next day, I just mumbled in my room. It's been a few days since Britney's birthday. We talked about celebrating at Sashá Milk Tea, our favorite hangouts place.

I promised them that after the celebration of Sebastian's friend's birthday, I will catch up with them. And they said it is okay as long as I can catch up with them.

But I didn't think I would be there so long. So in the end I didn't catch up with their celebration either. So, that's why I can't be with Britney, Sam and Lyka. They were all angry with me by not be able to be at Britney's birthday.

I am currently in the canteen, at Sebastian's table with their friends. They were laughing, but I couldn't relate to what they were talking about. Even Reagan was involved in their laughter.

With a sigh, I peeked into my former seat where I was with Britney, Lyka and Sam. I miss them so much. I miss those fun times together with them. Furthermore, I didn’t know that despite wanting to be close to Reagan, I would lose friends. Have I become so selfish to the point that I have always just followed my personal desires? I forget who motivated me, so I am here now where I am today.

I got up from my seat and walked over to Britney, Lyka and Sam. But even though I didn't get to their table, they left immediately. I just gasped. Look what you did, Jimmy. You gain other attentions, but your friends are not with you anymore.

As the days went by I tried several times to sit at their table, but I failed. The three of them avoided me.

“This is the most painful I have ever experienced. Losing a friend is even more painful than not being crushed back by your crush. Stop this madness, Jimmy. Go back where you belong. Go back to your little phonies. Go back where you used to be yourself. Fix this mess, Jimmy. Get them back. You are not just waiting for them to come to you. You are the one who's at fault, so you made the way for you to get along with your friends. Chase them until they get annoyed with you. And in that way they will be inconspicuous to you. At least make some progress with your little phonies.” she said to herself as she lay on her bed.

Tomorrow I'll make sure I will get back my little phonies.