The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 9

The acceptance of the card signified a change in the proceedings of Maya's grief. The sleep-walking did not recur and Maya began to get up with her husband each morning when he arose for work. They did not speak about the miscarriage. Nor did they speak of the sleep-walking or Maya's time in bed. Instead they spoke about the new antibacterial washing powder that Stephen had found on the internet. They discussed the optimum time a tea bag should be left to brew and whether the tea should be poured before the milk.

On one occasion Stephen bravely ventured to ask about the card that lay on the sideboard in the hall, enquiring whether Maya thought she would phone for an appointment. He did not like the idea of her needing counselling, but decided it was better not to divulge his opinion on the matter.

He knew he had made the right decision not to elaborate further when Maya nodded quickly in response to his initial enquiry. They spoke no more about it. Talking about feelings together never ended well for them, so they stuck  to conversations that could do them least harm. Making tea and the washing.

Stephen was glad to see his wife returning to their shared daily routines. He sometimes noticed a distance. He was unsure whether this was new or something that had existed for a long time. He mostly avoided such thoughts by seeking the reassurance of his time keeper, which always confirmed, in synchrony with his tapping foot, the passing of minutes and hours and the onset and end of each of his daily routines and rituals.

After three days, Stephen convinced his mother that she no longer needed to undertake her lengthy daily visits to their home.

Jackie was also relieved to be granted permission to leave in time to fulfil some consultation work she had agreed to undertake. Jackie worked when she liked these days, rather than because she had to. Her second husband, Arthur had his own very successful business so there was no need for her to work at all. But the fact was, Jackie liked the feeling of being usefully occupied. When she was not working, she usually felt at a loss, like she was unsure of her purpose. Even the few days spent with the clear purpose of supporting her daughter had been difficult for her. Not that she would ever admit that, even to herself.

Alice was reluctant to depart. She did not have a job to return to, every job she had ever had, had always been temporary and she was never offered anything permanent at the end of her various contracts. But it was more than the absence of an occupation at home that caused her reluctance to leave. It was a sense of duty towards her sister which compelled her to stay. She remembered even at the age of nine, how helpless and sad she had felt to see the decline of her favourite older sister after their father's death. Having to watch her crumble, with no one seeming able to help her, was like experiencing a second bereavement, which was somehow worse than the first. When you look up to someone for strength as a child, you feel a peculiar kind of sadness when you watch them fall. This was how Alice had always felt about Maya.

Yet even now, Alice felt like the inadequate and annoying little sister who did not know what to do with her life. The only time she ever felt she had helped her sister was during the time of her sleep-walking nights. After their mother had stopped getting up to her sister's terrors in the night, Alice had decided she would intervene. She would wake Maya and naively ask her what was wrong. Maya began to talk. The things that Maya said did not always make sense but Alice would just listen and sometimes ask again to try and understand better. She would stay with Maya in her bed for as long as she kept on talking. This became a routine for a few weeks, until one day Maya stopped waking in the night and Alice became an annoying and inadequate little sister once more.

Unfortunately for both of them, Maya could not bring herself to accept Alice's request to stay for a while longer. Alice had been careful not to make the request about Maya. She had told her sister she felt she needed some time away from home. Though her real motive was laid bare when she added that some sisterly company could be good for Maya.

Maya did not have the courage to accept her sister's invitation of company. Had she been allowing herself to feel, she would have recognised that it might have been just what they both needed. But Maya was too focussed on functioning. She had a plan. She would return to work. She would ring the counselling service. She would just get on with things. This is what everyone wanted anyway. Her mum, Stephen, June, Marge. She could not bear to let others down. And in truth, the thought of having her sister there and being encouraged to talk, terrified her. She did not want to return to that moment that had brought her to her bed only days earlier. She could not allow herself to recall those feelings. The best thing to do was to tell her sister no.

The guilt that lingered  from the refusal of her sister's request motivated Maya to ask Marge about the mental health services in Lancashire to see if she could get a contact for Alice to do some voluntary work. It was something she had intended to do for a long time but had never managed to prioritise. Marge had a good friend who she trained with who worked in the local mental health services for children, who agreed to meet with Alice, look at what qualifications she had and give some advice on next steps. Marge told her she may even be able to offer some shadowing experience.

Maya felt pleased with herself as she told Alice the good news. She could not understand the look on Alice's face, which failed to hide her disappointment and hesitation. Maya's intuition misplaced this uncertainty as related to Alice's difficulties in pursuing a career. She could not contemplate the much more obvious cause for her sister's concern.

Stephen was late to return from work on the day Maya's family members were leaving. The formality of farewells and goodbyes was something which he preferred to avoid. And he knew that the current circumstances would only add to the awkwardness. What words would they say to each other? What would be the right thing to say? What would be the wrong thing? Avoidance was definitely the best strategy. The discomfort of a change in his daily routine was far more preferable than the alternative of arriving home on time.

He had checked his watch with increasing frequency as he willed the digital display on its face to greet the 18th hour, obliging his eyes with three taps of his foot with each glance. The change from his usual ritual of departing the office at 17.30 had unsettled him.

No one in the insurance company where Stephen worked had ever noticed how often he checked his watch, or that he tapped his foot as he did. Nor did they notice that he sometimes rubbed his nails up and down his arms if a meeting was late to begin or if the seat he usually sat in at lunchtime was taken. So the habit of not noticing, which is so well instilled in British institutions and workplaces, meant that Stephen was left to deal quietly with his increasing agitation, just as he was accustomed to to do. On his own.

The farewell which Stephen did not participate in, was far less remarkable than Stephen's solitary agitation. The emotions held inside the mother and her daughters were barely there to not notice. Jackie certainly didn't notice. Her daughter was up and out of bed; she had plans for counselling and to return to work. So the feeling Jackie had, that was a bit like an empty uncertain hunger in her stomach and sometimes made her feel sick, was probably just the dread of a long journey on a Friday evening.

Alice and Maya were more aware that they were closing pathways to emotions that were currently housed at the end of a long corridor in their minds.

It was the kind of awareness that lingers in certain people from time to time and gives them a sense of distance from the world. Well rehearsed rituals and habits inevitably kick in so that the show of living and loving can go on. It was however in the pauses, the seconds of stillness, or slightly longer processing time before responding, in these small moments in between being, that if you looked, you might see what was hidden. But why look? Was that always the most helpful thing to do?

The following week, with their home finally back to its usual empty stillness, Maya began to feel restless in her solitude. Occasionally, the song from the blackbird would reach her ears, but she always managed to shake herself back to the 'here and now' before the trance set in. She made phone calls to the counselling service and also to Helen to inform her that she would be returning to work after the weekend.

Marge was worried that Maya might need a little more time off, but she also knew that getting back to a familiar routine was generally good for resilience and well-being, so she was not going to do anything that would discourage this. The least she could do would be to arrange some support with Maya's most complex cases.

Something, which Maya saw as a question of her competence rather than a gesture of support.