The Secret World of Maya Alexander

Chapter 32

Maya seemed in an unusually deep sleep as Jackie tried to stir her for their early morning transfer to the airport.

She had returned to their hotel room at around 11 pm the night before, wrapped in a foil blanket, hair matted and damp, wearing only her underclothes, and accompanied by a female police officer. No words escaped her, as she made her way to the bed and pulled herself under the duvet. Her escort had explained to the concerned mother that Maya had been found by a small fishing boat, swimming far out into the Adriatic Sea. She had not spoken a word to anyone since being pulled out of the water, except when asked her name and where she was staying. The officer reassured Jackie that her daughter had been taken to the hospital to be checked out medically and that she had been deemed physically well, which she was keen to add was a miracle, considering her condition and the danger she had placed herself in.

Jackie lowered her head as she expressed her gratitude to those who had helped her daughter, and also her apologies for the distress her daughter had caused. The police officer nodded as she bowed her own head. It was a look of sorrow. Jackie closed the door quickly as she felt her eyes begin to fill with warm tears. She could not bear anyone's pity. That look had reminded her of the looks she used to receive for many years, following the death of her husband. It was a look that was never accompanied by words. A look which said, 'I am sorry for you and I am not sure what I should say'.

Jackie inhaled deeply as she made her way across the room and knelt by Maya's still body.. She stroked her arm beneath the blanket and quietly sobbed as she murmured, more to herself than to her daughter. 'My sweet little girl, what is so wrong? What did I do? What didn't I do?'

She remembered all the times when she had said nothing or had become angry at Maya for disappearing for hours with no word. She sobbed louder as she recalled that last time a police officer had needed to share worrying news.

Jackie's silence had always been confronted with Maya's silence. Her anger had also always been confronted with silence. So she was surprised when, that evening, she heard a muffled sound appear from beneath the covers, and her daughter began to cry.

'I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so sorry.'

Jackie lifted the blanket from her daughter's face and adjusted her gaze so her face was in front of Maya. She hushed her daughter, as she began to wipe her tears. Sobbing softly together with her daughter, she asked, 'why are you sorry? What is it?'

Maya began to still again. 'I just wanted to feel the ocean. It always seems so peaceful. I didn't want to make you worried.' Her words flowed out unchecked like waves sprinkling sand across the sea bed.

'But why did you want to? I don't understand. You seemed fine this afternoon. You seemed happy.'

Maya remembered that full feeling stabbing against her bladder. Thoughts and emotions flooded her mind, but this time she could not find words for them and so tears came in their place.

Jackie held and rocked and comforted her daughter.

As Maya's body fell into her mother's comfort, new thoughts crept and lingered in her mind. Thoughts about what people would think of her. This time she was able to find a word for her thoughts. Shame.

Panicked, Maya sat up with a sense of urgency. 'No one must ever know!' She made her mother promise that she would never tell anyone about what had happened. That if she did, it would ruin her career. That June would make her her new endeavour and never leave her alone. That everyone would think she was weak. That Stephen would be right. Jackie could see the desperation in her daughter's eyes. She wanted to relieve some of that burden if she could. And so she agreed to Maya's secret.

This had seemed to console Maya and, by the early hours of the morning she had drifted into the deep sleep from which Jackie was now trying to wake her. Unlike her daughter, Jackie had not slept at all. It was as though by promising to keep the secret and thus relieve some of Maya's worries, she had herself consumed them.